Why People Lie and How to Cope When They Do - Relationships

Why Do People Lie?

Truth and honesty are often touted as two of the most important virtues in relationships. We are taught from a young age that lying is wrong and can destroy trust. Yet many of us have told lies, both big and small, at some point in our lives. This begs the question: why do people lie in the first place?

There are many complex psychological reasons why someone may not tell the truth. Understanding the motivations behind lying can help us respond with more empathy when we inevitably encounter it in our relationships.

Fear of Consequences

One of the most common reasons people lie is out of fear. They are afraid of the ramifications of revealing the truth. This could include fear of punishment, rejection, embarrassment, or disappointing loved ones. Children often lie to avoid getting in trouble with parents or teachers. Adults may lie to dodge blame or avoid an uncomfortable confrontation.

When operating from a place of fear, lying can feel like the easier and safer option. However, this type of lie often snowballs into more lies to maintain the faade. The truth does have a way of coming out eventually in most cases.

Desire to Be Liked

Many lies are told in the hopes of gaining approval from others. Exaggerating successes, downplaying failures, pretending to share interests - these types of lies are aimed at being seen in a positive light. The irony is that these lies actually prevent the development of true intimacy in relationships.

Some people are prone to compulsive lying and spinning tall tales. This may originate from deep feelings of inadequacy. The lies are a way to compensate and fill emotional needs. Recognizing this empowers us to respond with compassion rather than anger when we catch someone in a lie.

Avoiding Discomfort

Telling the truth can be uncomfortable at times. We may bend the truth or refrain from sharing certain details to avoid causing awkwardness. Little white lies told for convenience fall into this category. For example, saying you have a prior engagement to turn down an unwanted invitation.

This type of lying can seem harmless on the surface. But over time, meaningful relationships are built on openness and vulnerable sharing. Remind yourself that minor discomforts can lead to greater authenticity.

Self-Deception

One of the most fascinating aspects of lying is our ability to lie to ourselves. Self-deception manifests in many ways. Repressing undesirable traits, embellishing our achievements, forgetting facts that contradict our beliefs - these forms of self-lies protect our egos but obscure reality.

The mind wants to avoid cognitive dissonance, so it spins narratives that match our self-image. Take an honest inventory of any areas where you may be lying to yourself. The truth may be uncomfortable but ultimately leads to growth.

Pathological Lying

In some cases, lying can become a compulsive behavior that is deeply entrenched. Narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy involve advanced degrees of pathological lying. These individuals are adept at deceit and manipulation to achieve their aims.

When dealing with someone who lies habitually, be cautious about taking them at their word. Consult professionals to understand the pathological causes for this destructive behavior. With therapy and self-work, even pathological liars may consciously choose more honesty.

How to Cope When Someone Lies to You

Discovering that youve been lied to can be devastating, especially when its by someone close to you. Here are some tips from therapists for coping and moving forward:

1. Process Your Emotions

Give yourself space to work through complex emotions like anger, hurt, and confusion. Reflect on what values have been breached. Journaling can help you clarify how you feel.

2. Communicate Your Perspective

Have an open discussion with the person who lied. Explain how the lie impacted you without accusing. Hear their side of things while setting clear boundaries.

3. Identify the Motivations

Take time to understand why they may have lied. Were they acting from a place of insecurity, fear or a mistaken belief it would help you? This can inspire compassion.

4. Rebuild Trust Slowly

Dont rush back into the same level of trust. It takes time and consistency to rebuild. Notice if they take responsibility and make amends through changed actions.

5. Be Honest Yourself

Reflect on your own relationship with honesty. Are there any partial truths or omissions you need to own up to? Model the transparency you want.

6. Learn Warning Signs

Learn to recognize hints that someone may be lying, like changed behavior or defensiveness. Trust your intuition.

7. Make Requests, Not Demands

You cant force someone else to be honest through ultimatums. But you can clearly request the openness needed to continue the relationship.

8. Set Consequences

Make the impacts of continued lying clear. But also share how you will support them if they choose to be truthful moving forward.

9. Seek Third Party Help

For recurring lies or betrayals, enlist a therapist or mediator. They can facilitate productive conversations and reconciliation.

10. Let Go If Needed

In cases of irreparable damage, you may need to set firmer boundaries or even end the relationship. As hard as it is, letting go may be the healthiest option.

11. Refocus on Yourself

Dealing with lies can make you feel powerless. Reclaim your power by nurturing yourself, exploring passions, and building deeper trust with those whove earned it.

The Truth Always Surfaces in Time

While being lied to can be painful, practicing understanding and self-care can prevent lasting damage. Focus on your own journey toward truthfulness. There is power in responding with authenticity even when others are deceiving. Integrity speaks louder than lies.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.