Examining the Pressures of Meeting Expectations
Life is full of external and internal pressures to live up to ideals, goals, and standards set by society, family, friends or even ourselves. The concept of "shoulds" is ubiquitous - we are constantly confronted by notions of what we should be doing, how we should be feeling, or who we should be. This article explores how freeing yourself from the constraints of what you "should" be doing can lead to greater fulfillment, happiness, and wellbeing.
The Burden of Expectations
From a young age, ideas about what constitutes success or failure become ingrained. Getting good grades, having lots of friends, scoring the winning goal - these childhood milestones establish early "shoulds." As we grow older, the list multiplies exponentially. We should be earning more money, we should be married by a certain age, we should have accomplished X by Y years old.Layers of expectations permeate every arena of life - our careers, relationships, lifestyles, possessions, health, appearance and more. These external shoulds breed internal ones, and soon we impose strict standards on ourselves. We should be working harder, achieving more, and maximizing our potential at all times. We should know what we want from life and have the steps to get there mapped out.
The Problem with Shoulds
Basing self-worth on the ability to meet external or internal expectations is destined to lead to feelings of never being enough. Despite relentless striving, the perfectionistic standards we set for ourselves are ultimately unattainable. There are only so many hours in a day and only so much one person can reasonably accomplish. With a laundry list of shoulds standing between ourselves and happiness, we become trapped in a cycle of endless to-dos without enjoying the present.
Shoulds Impact Wellbeing
This chronic state of pressure, stress and anxiety takes a toll on mental and physical health. Here are some ways shoulds can negatively impact wellbeing:
- Depletion of energy and vitality trying to keep up with packed schedules and daily demands
- Increased stress trying to juggle competing shoulds from different domains of life
- Anxiety when unavoidably falling short of expectations, even temporarily
- Lowered self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy from perceived failures
- Guilt and regret over missed opportunities or alternative paths not taken
- Loss of presence, wonder and joy of each moment
Strategies for Freeing Yourself
Breaking free from cultures of high expectations and perfectionism takes mindfulness, courage and radical self-acceptance.
Get Curious About Shoulds
The first step is noticing just how often the word "should" runs through your mind on repeat. Without judgment, begin paying closer attention to self-talk and inner critiques:
- I should have planned better for that work presentation
- I should be spending more time with my family
- I should say yes when a friend asks a favor
- I should not have eaten that entire pizza
- I should be making more money at this age
Do any patterns emerge? Are certain domains triggering more feelings of falling short than others? Get acquainted with these inner drivers.
Question the Should's Validity
The next step is scrutinizing whether these shoulds hold any truth or value for you. Ask yourself:
- Where does this expectation come from?
- Is this a standard I consciously chose for myself?
- How does following this should make me feel about myself?
- What emotions come up when I don't live up to this should?
- Would freeing myself from this supposed obligation make my life better or worse?
Investigating the source and impact of your should reveals whether they serve you or not. Some may ring aligned and true. But the shoulds imposed externally for approval, praise, status or love betray their emptiness through the pain they cause.
Release Attachment to Meeting All Expectations
Choosing which shoulds to uphold, outsource or eliminate altogether is an act of self-trust. Tuning out the static of external pressures to hone into your inner wisdom paves the way towards acceptance and peace.
Release attachment to meeting expectations by:
- Acknowledging perfection is impossible - be a flawed, limited and vulnerable human
- Allowing yourself to say no without guilt or over-explaining
- Letting go of rigidity and black & white rules - get comfortable with grey
- Replacing self-criticisms for mistakes with self-encouragement to keep trying
- Embracing missed opportunities as pivots towards better fitting ones
Rewrite the Rules
This process of questioning and releasing creates openings to dream up standards more aligned with your truth. What messages would a wise, compassionate mentor tell you about how to live if societal pressures ceased to exist? What would be guiding priorities if approval and judgement no longer drove decisions?
Use this blank slate to define a more empowering constructs like:
- I contribute value through my gifts
- I can handle challenges with courage
- I am enough just as I am
- I forgive myself when I come up short
The Path to Freedom
Navigating outside validation and inner critics towards authenticity requires regular checking in. Here are final tips for staying on the path of release:
Practice Mindful Awareness
Make time for stillness through activities like meditation, walks in nature or journaling. Being present loosens the grip of anxieties over past and future failures rooted in meeting expectations. Redirect attention continuously to the gifts and beauty of now instead.
Speak Encouragingly
Notice self-defeating language and constricting shoulds as they arise but don't judge yourself for having them. Replace criticisms with compassionate understanding. Say things like:
- I am perfectly imperfect
- I accept myself exactly as I am in this moment
- I can try again tomorrow
Make Requests vs Demands
Practice asking gently for what you want from self and others through courage and vulnerability vs insisting through fear and control. Say I would love if... instead of I demand. This reduces inner turmoil when desires go unmet.
The path to freedom from external and internal shoulds winds through self-trust. By regularly examining demands on time and energy while nurturing compassion for your limitations, you pave the way towards greater peace and joy. Give yourself permission daily to rest, make mistakes, change direction. Keep rediscovering all the ways to love this perfectly imperfect life happening right now.
FAQs
Where do feelings of "I should" come from?
Shoulds begin developing in childhood as we internalize messages from parents, teachers, peers that establish ideas of success and failure. As adults, expectations multiply from society, employers, partners and friends until we're overwhelmed trying to measure up to competing standards.
Why are shoulds problematic?
Basing self-worth on the ability to meet perfectionistic expectations leads to chronic stress trying to keep up. The inevitable failures and shortcomings in the quest for unattainable ideals result in guilt, anxiety and lowered self-esteem in those areas where we never feel "enough."
How can we free ourselves mentally?
Noticing repetitive self-talk about perceived failures is the first step. Investigating the source and validity of demands reveals which are unnecessary burdens. Release attachment to meeting every expectation through radical self-acceptance and rewriting of self-compassionate mantras.
What keeps someone on the path of release from shoulds?
Regular mindful awareness breaks the pattern of constantly evaluating yourself. Speaking encouragingly replaces self-criticism for falling short. Making gentle requests vs inflexible demands of yourself and others softens self-judgment when desires go unmet.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.
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