Things an Abuser Says: Warning Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Abusive relationships often involve more than just physical violence. Emotional and psychological abuse in the form of harmful words and controlling behavior can be just as damaging. Abusers frequently say and do things to exert power over their victims and make them feel worthless. Being aware of some common verbal tactics and phrases can help identify when a relationship is unhealthy or turning abusive.
Put Downs and Criticism
Abusers consistently insult and criticize their partners in order to chip away at their self-esteem. They may say extremely hurtful or demeaning things about their appearance, intelligence, talents, parenting skills, job performance, interests, or personality traits. Comments like "You're so stupid," "You're hopeless," or "You're such a terrible mother" degrade the victim's sense of self-worth over time.
Yelling and Swearing
Loud, angry outbursts full of cursing and insults are another way abusers communicate. They may use explosive anger and yelling to intimidate and control their victim. This creates an environment of fear and hypervigilance, causing the victim to walk on eggshells to avoid another abusive tirade.
Threats
Making threats against the victim or people they care about is a major warning sign. Abusers may say things like "If you leave me, I will hurt you," or threaten violence against the victim's family and friends. They may also threaten suicide if the victim tries to leave, which is another form of emotional blackmail and control.
Gaslighting
Abusers often attempt to distort reality through gaslighting - denying abusive behavior took place or falsely accusing the victim of things they didn't do. For example, an abuser may break something in anger and then deny it happened, telling the victim they are "imagining things." This makes the victim doubt their own experience and perception of events.
Blame
Abusers blame the victim for provoking the abuse. After episodes of hurtful words or violence, they refuse to take responsibility and insist it was the victim's fault. Comments like "You made me do this," or "If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gotten so mad," shift blame onto the victim.
Pressure and Guilt
A manipulative abuser applies emotional pressure to get their way. They may make unreasonable demands on the victim's time and resources. If the victim refuses, the abuser tries to invoke guilt by saying things like "If you really loved me, you would..." This coerces the victim into complying with the abuser's wishes.
"You Made Me..."
Closely tied to victim blaming, abusers use the phrase "You made me..." to justify their abusive actions. By claiming the victim is responsible for provoking the outburst or violence, the abuser avoids taking responsibility for their own behavior. This mental gymnastic enables their sense of entitlement.
"No One Else Would Want You"
Abusers often claim no one else would want the victim in order to undermine their self-worth and make them feel trapped. They try to convince the victim they are lucky to be in the relationship at all. Hearing frequent messages like "You're nothing without me" or "No one else would put up with you" damages the victim's self-esteem.
"It's All In Your Head"
Similarly, abusers dismiss victims' concerns by claiming they are "overreacting," "oversensitive," or "imagining things." When confronted about hurtful behavior, the abuser insists "it's all in your head" as a way to avoid accountability and convince the victim to mistrust their own perceptions.
"I'm The Victim Here"
Abusers are adept at playing the victim themselves. When held accountable for abusive behavior, they turn the situation around to claim they are actually the one being mistreated in the relationship. Statements like "Look what you're putting me through!" or "After everything I've done for you!" portray the abuser as the wounded party.
"You Owe Me"
Financial abuse often occurs through manipulative language about money and obligations. Abusers may insist the victim owes them money or claim the victim is financially dependent on them. By saying "You owe me for everything I've given you," the abuser maintains financial control.
Excessive Criticism
Abusers constantly criticize every aspect of the victim's life - their personality, interests, skills, appearance, ways of thinking - often comparing them unfavorably to others. The abuser dismantles the victim's self-esteem by making them feel inferior, flawed, and never good enough.
Yelling Then Acting Kind
Part of the power and control dynamic involves punishing then rewarding the victim. After verbally abusive behavior like yelling and insults, the abuser turns on the charm. They act kind and loving, promising it will never happen again. This confuses the victim, creating an addictive trauma bond.
"You're Crazy"
Abusers frequently accuse the victim of being "crazy" or unstable. This is often a tactic used by narcissistic abusers who gaslight their victims. By calling them crazy, they can dismiss the victim's concerns and experiences as the product of mental illness rather than actual abusive behavior.
"I Will Kill Myself If You..."
Threatening suicide is a common manipulation tactic abusers use to control their victims, especially if the victim tries to break things off. Any statement beginning with "I will kill myself if you..." is intended to emotionally blackmail the victim into staying in order to "save" the abuser.
Signs of Coercive Control
In addition to hurtful language, abusers employ various coercive control tactics to dominate the victim's life. Watch for these signs of an abusive partner exerting power and restricting freedoms:
Isolating From Friends and Family
Abusers usually isolate victims by cutting them off from friends and family. They demand to know the victim's whereabouts at all times and discourage relationships with others. The goal is total dependency on the abuser.
Monitoring Movements and Communication
Abusers monitor and control the victim's movements, phone calls, texts, email, and social media use. They may show up unannounced, confiscate devices, or use spyware apps to track the victim. This limits independence.
Making All the Decisions
The abuser makes unilateral decisions about finances, living situations, social plans, etc. without the victim's input. The abuser's desires and opinions matter; the victim's don't. This removes autonomy from the victim's life.
Strict Rules and Punishments
Abusers impose unreasonable rules on things like appearance, behavior, spending, and routine. Punishments like violence, threats, or degradation follow any "violation" of the abuser's rules. This maintains dominance through fear.
Treating Like a Servant
The abuser expects the victim to cater to all their needs like a servant. The victim must cook, clean, run errands, and fulfill sexual demands on demand. Resistance is met with emotional or physical abuse.
Ruining Reputation
Abusers may spread false rumors about the victim to ruin their reputation. Tarnishing someone's image among friends, family, and community can damage relationships and support systems. This increases dependence on the abuser.
Withholding Basic Necessities
Financial abuse involves controlling access to basic necessities like food, clothing, transportation, and medical care. The abuser limits the victim's independence by regulating their ability to meet fundamental needs.
Seeking Help for Abuse
If you recognize any of these verbal, emotional, or coercive control tactics in your own relationship, know that help is available. You have the right to feel safe, respected, and free from abuse. Reach out to trusted friends and family or organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline for guidance and resources to escape abuse.
With support, you can regain your sense of self-worth, agency, and autonomy. You deserve to have healthy relationships free from domination, fear, and hurtful words that chip away at your spirit. There are people ready to listen, believe in you, and assist you in building a life filled with dignity and compassion.
FAQs
What are some things emotional abusers say?
Abusers use insults, put downs, threats, gaslighting, blaming, guilting, yelling/anger, and exaggerating faults to exert control and erode the victim's self-worth.
What are signs of verbal and psychological abuse?
Look for constant criticism, name-calling, mind games, rage episodes, shaming, pressuring, monitoring communications, isolating from others, and controlling money/choices as signs of emotional abuse.
How do you know if your partner is being abusive?
Signs of an abusive partner include frequent insults, unreasonable demands, outbursts of anger, threats, gaslighting, isolating you, excessive jealousy, controlling behavior, pressuring you, and physical/sexual violence.
What should you not say to an abuse victim?
Avoid victim-blaming statements like "Why don't you just leave?" Also don't say "You liked them once" or pressure them to downplay the abuse. Listen with support and let them make their own choices.
How do you help someone in an abusive relationship?
Offer nonjudgmental emotional support and post-crisis resources without pressuring them. Help them create a safety plan. Remind them the abuse is not their fault and reinforce their self-worth.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.
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