Coping Tips When an MS Spouse Becomes Mean and Angry

Coping When a Spouse Has MS and Becomes Mean

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic and often disabling disease that affects the central nervous system. It can profoundly impact one's health, abilities, independence and quality of life. When one spouse has MS, it inevitably affects both partners and the relationship.

Personality and behavior changes are common with MS. The condition itself, combined with difficulty coping and the frustrations of living with disability can sometimes make people act in uncharacteristic and unpleasant ways. A previously kind and caring partner may become mean, angry, impatient, insensitive or withdrawn.

For a devoted spouse, this change in behavior can be devastating. Partners may feel hurt and resentful, yet also conflicted since the meanness stems from an illness their loved one did not choose. With communication, professional help, self-care and education however, spouses can find ways to cope.

Why MS Can Cause Mean Behavior

There are several reasons why someone with MS may develop unpleasant personality traits and behaviors like meanness, anger and apathy:

• Lesions in the brain and spinal cord damage neurons, which can impair mood, emotions, empathy, judgement and behavior control.
• Chronic pain and fatigue make people irritable.
• Stress of disability leads to frustration, anxiety, sadness.
• Inability to do once simple tasks leads to low self-esteem.
• Isolation and relationship strain contributes to depression.
• Medications may have emotional side effects.
• Cognitive dysfunction impairs reasoning, decision making, self-awareness.

In many ways, someone with MS loses control over their emotions. This can come out in regretful ways like mean words and actions. Understanding why this happens is an important first step in learning to cope with a spouse who has become mean.

Have an Open Conversation With Your Spouse

Plan a time to talk when you are both calm and not already upset or arguing. Use "I feel..." statements rather than accusations. Explain how their words/actions have hurt you, and that you want to understand what's going on with your spouse. Ask if there are ways you could better support them, while also upholding boundaries about how you expect to be treated.

Acknowledge how difficult it must be for your partner to manage MS symptoms and pain. Offer support in managing feelings and finding healthier outlets like counseling. Stress comes out as meanness when a person lacks coping skills and feels helpless. Providing compassion while maintaining self-respect can improve communication.

Encourage Counseling or Therapy

Both individual and couples counseling can be very beneficial in these situations. A counselor can give your spouse tools to manage their emotions in constructive rather than hurtful ways. Couples counseling facilitates communication in a mediated environment. It also helps you voice needs and expectations for how your spouse treats you.

Cognitive behavioral therapy in particular helps with impulse control, anger management, healthy expression and conflict resolution. Support groups connect your spouse with others also struggling with MS. Having an outlet to vent and seeking peer advice may reduce mean behavior directed at you.

Educate Yourself on MS

Learning more about how MS affects the body and mind will help you understand some of what your spouse is going through. Knowing that hurtful behaviors often stem from MS itself, not your partner's true feelings, can reduce resentment. It also helps you recognize their needs so you can better support them.

Read reputable articles, books and websites about MS. Many detail how it can change personalities and behavior. Ask your spouse's neurologist for informative materials geared toward caretakers and loved ones. Support groups for partners of those with MS provide education and encouragement.

Care for Your Own Needs

Being the sole caretaker for a chronically ill spouse takes an enormous physical and emotional toll. Make sure you take regular time off to unwind, partake in hobbies, connect with friends and generally refuel. Respite care lets you take a break while your spouse has supervised care.

Eat healthy meals, exercise, and get adequate sleep. Seek counseling yourself if you have trouble coping. Share feelings with close friends who will listen without judgement. Maintaining your own health, outlook and support system enables you to better handle situations when your spouse acts mean.

Set Boundaries About Treatment

You cannot control your spouse's MS symptoms or emotions, but you can control how you allow yourself to be treated. Calmly explain that you want to be supportive as a partner, but will not tolerate emotional or verbal abuse from anyone. State the specific behaviors that are unacceptable, and what you will do if they continue.

Leave the situation if reasonably possible when conflict arises. Make a plan to stay with a friend or family member for a short time if things escalate. While not easy, enforcing boundaries is essential for your well-being when faced with ongoing meanness and hostility.

Consider Relationship Counseling or a Support Group

Speaking with a professional couples counselor can facilitate difficult conversations about boundaries, mutual needs, and constructive ways for working through issues. A counselor acts as mediator to prevent conflicts from escalating during sessions.

Joining a support group lets you share your struggles with others in similar circumstances. They can offer first-hand advice on coping with an ill spouse's difficult behavior in productive ways. You realize you are not alone in this plight.

Evaluate How To Move Forward

Despite best efforts, some relationships deteriorate to the point where separation or divorce is necessary for one or both individuals' health and safety. This is an extremely personal decision requiring much self-reflection and often professional guidance.

Consider trial separations, formal mediation, or a rehabilitation program for your spouse. If all efforts fail and the relationship has become harmful, accept that leaving may ultimately be the best path forward for yourself and potentially your partner as well.

Caring For Yourself While Supporting a Spouse with MS

When multiple sclerosis results in a spouse becoming mean, angry, hurtful or abusive, it puts enormous strain on marriages and partnerships. While compassion for your spouse's condition is important, you also must care for your own well-being.

With professional help, open communication, education, boundaries and self-care, you can gain the understanding and skills needed to cope with this incredibly challenging situation. Support and mediation often helps relationships, though separation may be necessary in some cases.

Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, and to have your needs met both within and outside of the relationship. Set an example by managing stress constructively, and provide your spouse with resources to do the same. With time, the shifts in your relationship may allow greater empathy and closeness to emerge.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.