Coping When Your Partner Says You're Bad in Bed - Advice

Coping When Your Partner Says You're Not Good in Bed

Hearing your partner say "you're not good in bed" can be absolutely devastating. It's a hurtful criticism that can shake your confidence, make you feel insecure and defective, and even call your entire relationship into question.

But try not to let one damaging statement derail your intimacy or relationship if you can help it. With care, communication, self-compassion, and effort, you can work through this challenge. And you may even end up with a stronger bond and better sex life than before.

Why Your Partner Said It

First, take a step back and try to understand why your partner made this claim. There are various possible reasons:

• Your partner felt frustrated by unsatisfying sex recently and lashed out.
• They have different sexual preferences they haven't communicated.
• There are issues in the relationship affecting your intimacy.
• Your partner was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings during an argument.
• They have unrealistic expectations about sex shaped by porn or inexperience.
• Mental health issues or personal struggles altered their perspective.
• Substance use impaired their judgment.

In most cases, the comment likely says more about your partner's state of mind than your actual abilities.

Manage Your Initial Reaction

Hearing this can stir up intense emotions like:

• Hurt
• Anger
• Resentment
• Humiliation
• Inadequacy
• Fear
• Self-blame

These feelings are normal, but handle them constructively. Don't lash out and escalate conflict. Use healthy coping strategies like taking a walk, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend. Then, when you've calmed down, you can address the situation rationally.

Have an Open Conversation

Arrange a time to discuss this with your partner in a non-confrontational way when you are both calm. You could say something like:

"The other day when you said I'm not good in bed, it really hurt my feelings. I'd like to talk about that comment and see how we can improve our sex life together."

Keep an open mind and don't get defensive. Listen to understand their perspective. See if they can articulate specific concerns or desires. Then express your point of view and needs non-judgmentally.

Aim for a constructive dialogue focused on compromise and cooperation, not blame. With patience and care, you can get to the root of issues impacting your intimacy.

Analyze Your Sex Life

Try to take an objective look at your sex life and sexual abilities. Consider whether your partner raised any valid criticisms you should work on. But don't beat yourself up over perceived flaws - we all have room for growth.

Assess aspects like:

• Quality of foreplay
• Oral sex skills
• Trying new positions
• Ability to read body language
• Attentiveness to their pleasure
• Willingness to experiment
• Adventurousness
• Emotional intimacy

Identify any areas you could reasonably improve through effort and practice. But don't drastically change yourself just to satisfy your partner's demands.

Work on Communication

Healthy sexual relationships require open communication about desires, limits, techniques, and feedback. If your partner felt you are not good in bed, lack of constructive communication may be partly to blame.

Practice having candid, non-judgmental talks about sex. Discuss what works and doesn't work for each of you. Share your insecurities compassionately. Brainstorm ideas to improve your compatibility.

The more you communicate in and out of the bedroom, the better your sex can become.

Deal With Relationship Problems

Broader relationship problems can negatively impact your sex life. Tension in other areas often spills over into the bedroom. Difficulties like:

• Poor communication
• Built-up resentment
• Lack of quality time together
• Trust issues
• Financial stress

Try to pinpoint and work through any underlying conflicts, respectfully resolve differences, and rediscover what initially attracted you to each other. Improving your overall dynamic can lead to better sex.

Get Educated and Experiment

One of the best ways to become a skilled lover is to expand your sexual knowledge. Read educational books and articles about intimacy techniques. Watch instructional videos. Attend workshops or classes focused on sexual enhancement.

Then integrate what you learn through playful experimentation. Don't be afraid to try new positions, activities, toys, locations, role playing scenarios, and anything else that appeals to you both. This keeps sex exciting.

Focus on Emotional Intimacy

Great sex isn't just physical. It also requires emotional intimacy - the deep sense of closeness, vulnerability, and affection you share with your partner.

Make sure to invest time in thoughtful talks, expressing your feelings, thoughtful gestures, hugging, kissing, and non-sexual touching. This emotional foundation will reinforce your physical connection.

Attune to Their Pleasure

One of the most important sexual skills is attentiveness to your partner's pleasure. Observe their reactions to different touches, rhythms, and techniques. Ask what feels best for them. Strive to satisfy their desires.

Prioritizing their fulfillment over your own will make you an exceptionally considerate lover. And chances are, your thoughtfulness will be reciprocated.

Initiate Sex More Often

If you typically let your partner initiate sex, start being the one to get things going more often. Come up with romantic advance strategies to pique their interest.

Show you are enthusiastic about intimacy with them, not just passively compliant. Your eagerness can reignite the spark.

Don't Make Comparisons

Avoid unfair comparisons between your partner and exes or insecurities about how you measure up to others. Overthinking these things can sabotage your abilities.

Keep your focus entirely on the intimate moments you share together. Appreciate the uniqueness of your sexual connection.

Build Confidence Gradually

Let your capabilities evolve naturally rather than putting intense pressure on yourself to be amazing in bed overnight. If you try too hard, it may backfire.

As you learn, experiment, and attune to your partner, you can gradually build intimate confidence and skills. Eventually your anxieties will subside.

Strengthen Your Whole Relationship

Great sex tends to flow from great relationships. Work on improving your overall dynamic through openness, generosity, laughter, adventures, trust, compromise, and caring gestures.

When your partnership is flourishing, the intimacy will organically follow suit.

Don't Make Sex a Goal

Ironically, setting out to have mind-blowing sex can impede pleasure and performance. Getting wrapped up in expectations creates pressure.

Instead, relax into intimacy as a fun expression of your love. Stay present with each other. The rest will unfold naturally.

Address Any Mental Health Issues

If you or your partner are struggling with untreated mental health problems, this can definitely interfere with your sex life. Consider seeking help through counseling or medication.

As your state of mind improves, your sexual relationship likely will as well.

Get a Medical Checkup

In some cases, physical health issues could affect sexual abilities, sensations, arousal, erections, lubrication, or orgasms. It's wise to get a full medical evaluation to rule out any underlying conditions.

Your doctor may offer helpful treatment suggestions if any problems are found.

Focus on Total Life Fulfillment

Don't define your entire self-worth based only on your sexual performance. Find diverse sources of purpose and fulfillment through your work, hobbies, social life, passions, etc.

When sex is just one rewarding aspect of a rich life, instead of an all-consuming fixation, intimacy comes easier.

Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust After Hurtful Comments

Once you've begun working through the pain and issues raised by your partner's remark, concentrate on nurturing intimacy and trust again. Here's how:

Have Regular Check-Ins

Until your sex life feels strong again, make a point to regularly talk through questions like:

• What's going well for each of you physically?
• What's satisfying emotionally?
• Any frustrations or desires to share?
• New things you'd like to experiment with?

These check-ins will help you realign sexually and emotionally on an ongoing basis.

Reassure Each Other

Verbal reassurance and positive feedback can be incredibly helpful in overcoming hurtful remarks.

When your partner does something you enjoy, tell them how much you appreciate it. And ask them to provide encouraging words when you try something new sexually.

Reinforce the strengths of your intimate life together.

Take Sex Off the Table

Take the pressure off sex entirely for a set period of time, like a few weeks or a month. Enjoy other forms of physical affection like massage, baths together, cuddling, etc.

This helps you reconnect organically without expectations, so you eventually gravitate back to sex naturally.

Infuse Playfulness

Laughter and play go a long way in healing wounds. Don't take sex too seriously for a while. Get silly in bed again.

Lightening the mood through play, tickling, pillow fights, or even just funny banter can truly bring you closer.

Appreciate Non-Sexual Attributes

Express heartfelt appreciation for all the wonderful qualities you cherish in your partner beyond their sexual abilities.

Compliment their personality traits, talents, intelligence, style, endearing quirks, integrity, and other assets unrelated to sex.

This builds confidence beyond the bedroom.

Strengthen Emotional Intimacy

Intensify the affectionate emotions between you by really listening, expressing gratitude, being vulnerable, making thoughtful gestures, cooking favorite meals, reliving fond memories, etc.

Deepening your friendship and emotional bond sets the stage for sexual harmony.

Recommit to the Relationship

Rather than arguing excessively over who is right or wrong, consciously recommit to each other.

Affirm that despite this challenge, your love and commitment remain strong. United you can work through anything.

This shared hope and dedication can get your partnership back on track.

When To Get Relationship Counseling

If hurtful criticisms about your sexual abilities continue, or conversations spiral into fights, involving a professional may help. A counselor or therapist can:

• Teach you conflict resolution skills
• Promote healthier communication habits
• Uncover and address underlying issues
• Offer impartial guidance as you navigate pain
• Provide exercises to rebuild intimacy

With time and effort, counseling often gets relationships to a stronger place. So don't be afraid to seek assistance if you need it.

Signs You Should See a Couples Therapist

Some signs it may be wise to get counseling include:

• Frequent destructive arguments
• Stonewalling or avoidance
• Ongoing grudges
• Feelings of resentment building
• Sex feels emotionally disconnected
• You discuss separating
• Intimacy is decreasing
• Trust has diminished
• One partner refuses to discuss issues

The sooner you reach out for help, the easier it will be to get your relationship back on solid ground.

Remember Your Worth

No matter what your partner said or how inadequate you feel right now, never forget your intrinsic worth and uniqueness. You are so much more than just your sexual abilities.

When insecurities creep in, get centered in self-love and all your wonderful attributes again. Keep extending generosity and patience toward your partner and yourself.

With compassion, humility, effort and support from your loved one, you can move forward to create a satisfying intimate life together again.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.