Resolving Sibling Rivalry and Setting Boundaries with Toxic Siblings

Dealing with Sibling Rivalry and Conflict

Having a brother or sister often means having a companion to grow up with, share secrets, and create lasting memories. But most siblings also experience rivalry, disagreements, fights, and other ups and downs in their relationship. Even famous siblings like Prince William and Prince Harry have very public falling outs.

So what's the best way to deal with sibling conflict and repair damaged relationships with brothers and sisters? Let's explore some psychologist-backed tips on conflict resolution, setting boundaries, and deciding when to walk away from toxic family relationships.

Understanding the Causes of Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry often rears its head in childhood, when children are still learning to share their parents' time and attention. But sibling relationships can remain complicated into adulthood too. Some of the common causes of sibling conflict include:

• Competing for parental attention and approval
• Stressors like grief, family problems, or financial pressures
• Differences in values, personalities, interests, or lifestyles
• Unresolved childhood issues like bullying, neglect, or abuse
• Perceived or actual favoritism by parents
• Struggles with self-esteem and insecurity
• Clashing spouses or significant others

Understanding where sibling tension comes from is the first step toward improving the relationship.

Tips for Resolving and Preventing Sibling Conflict

If you want to restore harmony or just decrease constant arguing with a sibling, here are some tips that psychologists recommend:

1. Reflect on your role. Consider whether you contribute to conflicts, then work on responding more calmly.
2. Spend one-on-one time together. Do shared activities you both enjoy to build rapport.
3. Apologize for past hurts. Letting go of grudges helps move the relationship forward.
4. Validate each other’s feelings. Don’t be dismissive even if you see things differently.
5. Communicate respectfully. Use “I feel...” statements rather than accusations.
6. Compromise. Meet in the middle rather than insisting on getting your way.
7. Celebrate differences. Embrace the diversity between you rather than criticizing.
8. Set healthy boundaries. Decide what behavior you will and won’t tolerate from each other.
9. Get counseling. Seek professional help to improve communication and resolve conflicts.

Making sisterhood or brotherhood a priority over rivalry takes effort from both siblings. But the payoff of having a supportive, loving family relationship makes it worthwhile.

Setting Boundaries with Toxic Siblings

In some cases, sibling relationships are so strained they can be considered toxic. This may involve abuse, sabotage, constant scapegoating, and other extremely harmful dynamics. With a toxic sibling, you may need to create firm boundaries or even cut contact for your mental health. Signs that your sibling relationship is too toxic to repair include:

• Repeated physical, verbal, or emotional abuse from your sibling
• Ongoing manipulative, controlling, or narcissistic behavior
• Your sibling regularly belittles, shames, or bullies you
• You feel anxious, depressed, or physically ill when interacting with your sibling
• Your sibling is not respectful of your boundaries
• Conversations consistently escalate into arguments
• Your sibling makes no effort to have a healthy relationship
• The relationship is causing harm to your self-esteem or other relationships

If you identify with several items on this list, you may need to remove your sibling from your life or strictly limit contact. This doesn’t necessarily mean cutting them off forever. You can take a temporary break of a few months or longer while you work to rebuild your self-confidence. Or you can move forward with a minimal relationship that excludes toxic behaviors.

Cutting Off Contact with a Sibling

Cutting a sibling out of your life completely should not be done lightly. Before making this difficult choice, consider:

• Give counseling a try. A therapist can often help even very strained sibling relationships, so don’t give up too fast.
• Clearly communicate your concerns. Make sure your sibling understands exactly how their behaviors are harmful to you.
• Set clear expectations. Explain what needs to change for you to continue the relationship.
• Build your support system. Surround yourself with kind family and friends to reduce dependency on a toxic sibling.
• Be prepared to enforce boundaries. You may have to cut contact again if your sibling violates set boundaries.

If you’ve tried these steps without success, limiting or cutting off contact may be your healthiest option. To formally end the relationship:

1. Send a letter or email explaining your decision and reasons.
2. Stop responding to your sibling's calls, texts, emails, and letters.
3. Block your sibling on social media and your phone.
4. Politely decline any family pressure to reconcile.
5. Get counseling to process grief over losing this family bond.
6. Refocus on your inner peace and other rewarding relationships.

With time away from the toxic relationship, many people feel a great sense of relief and freedom. But ending a sibling bond can also bring up grief, guilt, and self-doubt. Counseling provides valuable support during this major life transition.

Coping with Guilt After Cutting Off a Sibling

Even when ending a sibling relationship is the healthiest choice, you will likely struggle with difficult emotions like these:

• Guilt. You may feel guilty about damaging family bonds.
• Self-blame. You might obsess over mistakes you made in the relationship.
• Sorrow. Regardless of past hurts, losing a sibling is painful.
• Loneliness. Cutting ties leaves a hole, especially if you have no other siblings.
• Shame. Some family may judge you or pressure you to reconcile.
• Anxiety. Interacting with mutual relatives can create stress.

Seeking counseling, joining a support group, confiding in trusted friends, and practicing self-care are all important for working through this grief. Remind yourself regularly that you are not responsible for your sibling’s harmful behaviors. And give yourself permission to prioritize your mental health and well-being.

Repairing a Relationship After a Period of Low/No Contact

In some cases, after a long period of low contact or estrangement, siblings may want to rebuild their relationship. This can happen after one sibling receives therapy, mature life perspectives develop, or a major life event brings them back together. But reconciliation after a toxic relationship history needs to happen slowly and carefully to prevent falling back into old patterns. Some tips include:

• Meet in neutral, public settings first to gauge any changes.
• Discuss past hurts honestly, and offer sincere apologies.
• Commit to respectful communication and healthy boundaries moving forward.
• Don’t resume frequent contact right away. Move slowly and rebuild trust over time.
• Get professional help from a counselor or mediator if needed.
• Be prepared to take a break again if the relationship becomes unhealthy.

With good intentions from both parties, hurtful past issues can sometimes be resolved. But be honest with yourself about whether your sibling is capable of real change. Proceeding cautiously and protecting your mental health should take priority.

The Takeaway

Like all close relationships, sibling bonds have ups and downs. Occasional squabbles and annoyances usually resolve over time. But more toxic sibling dynamics may require firm boundaries or even the painful choice to cut contact. With professional support, you can make the healthiest decision for your well-being.

The end goal is to find peace in your sibling relationship, whether you achieve closeness or move forward separately. Seek counseling, lean on other supportive family and friends, and believe you deserve healthy, caring relationships.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.