How Friendships Can Undermine a Marriage and What to Do

How Friendships Can Undermine Marriages

Marriage takes work. While the early days may seem blissful and effortless, keeping that connection strong over the long haul requires commitment and care from both partners. Unfortunately, outside friendships can sometimes drive a wedge between spouses if appropriate boundaries are not established and maintained.

It's natural to want to spend time apart, nurture outside interests, and maintain platonic friendships. However, if your close friendships start to negatively impact your marriage, it may be time to re-evaluate those relationships. Here's a look at how certain friendships can potentially undermine marriages, and tips for avoiding this common relationship pitfall.

Spending More Time with Friends Than Your Spouse

When you commit to marriage, your spouse should become your top priority in terms of time and attention. If you find yourself frequently choosing to spend time with friends over your partner, this is a red flag.

Of course, maintaining friendships is healthy and important. However, your friends shouldn't occupy the bulk of your free time. Ditching your spouse to hang out with friendsprevents emotional intimacy from developing in your marriage. It also builds resentment and makes your partner feel de-prioritized.

Aim to strike a balance between spending quality one-on-one time with your spouse and nurturing platonic friendships. Don't let those friendships dominate your schedule. Checking in with your partner about how they feel regarding your friendship time can help avoid hurt feelings.

Leaning on Friends Over Your Spouse for Support

It's natural to seek support from friends during tough times. However, your life partner should be your primary source of emotional support. If you find yourself venting to and leaning on friends rather than your spouse, this is problematic.

Confiding in and relying on friends prevents you from forging deeper intimacy with your partner. It also gives friends an uneven amount of power and influence in your marriage. Plus, it deprives your spouse of the opportunity to be there for you during challenging times.

Make your spouse your confidant as much as possible. Turn to them first when you need a listening ear or advice. Be transparent about your feelings and lean on their love and support. This builds trust and strengthens emotional bonds.

Keeping Friends' Secrets from Your Spouse

Secrecy in marriage breeds mistrust. If your friends are confiding things in you that you feel the need to hide from your spouse, this is unhealthy for your relationship.

Your partner is your teammate in life - you should be able to share anything with them. When you keep your friends' secrets, it creates distance between you and your spouse. It also indicates your loyalty is more with your friends than your marriage.

Politely explain to friends that you don't feel comfortable keeping things from your partner. If they want to confide in you, they'll need to understand you share everything with your spouse. This maintains openness and trust in your marriage.

Enabling Friends' Unhealthy Choices

At times, our friends make poor choices that go against our values. It's admirable to want to support friends unconditionally. However, that loyalty can go too far if it means excusing or enabling destructive behavior.

For example, if you have a friend engaging in an affair and you cover for them, this indirectly condones adultery. Or, if you have a friend with a drug or alcohol problem but look the other way when they use, you are enabling addiction. This breeds hypocrisy in your marriage.

Don't compromise your principles or integrity in order to spare a friend's feelings. Voice concern over unhealthy behavior as an act of caring. Be prepared to limit contact if they continue making bad choices. Your loyalty should be first and foremost to your spouse.

Allowing Friends to Disrespect Your Marriage

It's unavoidable that some friends will be more supportive of your marriage than others. However, letting friends openly criticize, disrespect, or undermine your relationship is very damaging.

For instance, if you have a friend who constantly makes snide remarks about your spouse, belittles your marriage, or tries to tempt you to cheat, don't tolerate this. Those are not the actions of a true, caring friend.

Be very selective about which friends get access to your marriage. Set clear boundaries regarding what comments and behavior you will not accept from friends when it comes to your relationship. Don't sacrifice self-respect just to keep the peace.

Comparing Your Marriage to Friends'

It's human nature to compare ourselves to others, but this tendency can poison marriages. No two relationships are the same. If you constantly compare yours to your friends' marriages, discontentment and unhappiness inevitably follow.

Maybe your friends' marriages seem filled with more excitement, passion or ease than your own. But you only see the public image - not the private struggles. Comparing breeds discontent. Focus instead on your marriage's strengths.

Evaluate your relationship on its own merits - not in relation to friends' marriages. Don't let envy or jealousy take root. Water your own grass and appreciate what's unique about your bond with your spouse.

Tolerating Friends' Racism, Homophobia or Misogyny

Everyone has flaws, but certain mindsets and beliefs cross the line. Racism, homophobia, misogyny and other forms of bigotry have no place in society, period. If you have friends who display these hateful attitudes, don't tolerate or excuse it.

Continuing to associate with friends who express despicable viewpoints indirectly aligns you and your marriage with those perspectives. It's impossible to have an equal, mutually supportive marriage if you consort with those who denigrate certain groups.

Make it clear to friends that you find language and ideas rooted in prejudice unacceptable. Limit contact or end friendships if intolerable viewpoints persist. You and your spouse should uplift others, not tear them down.

Letting Friend Drama Bleed Into Your Marriage

Most friendships occasionally experience drama, disputes or growing pains. But you must be very careful to not let that bleed over into your romance. Discussing friends' private matters with your spouse can be unhealthy for several reasons.

First, it pulls your spouse into drama that doesn't concern them. Second, it fosters negativity and resentment. Third, your spouse may start to question whether these are really the right kind of friends for you or them.

Vent to objective third parties if you need to process friends' drama. Don't burden your partner unless physical safety is a concern. Protect your marriage from toxic spillover by limiting private disclosures.

Cutting off Joint Friends After a Breakup

Divorce and breakups are painful, but how you manage joint friendships impacts your integrity. Even if the split was acrimonious, unilaterally cutting off friends shared with your ex breeds resentment.

Your friends are likely just as disappointed by the breakup and hope to preserve their friendship with you both. Don't force them to take sides by demanding they excommunicate your ex. Take the high road.

Speak to each friend directly and honestly about what will be comfortable for you post-split. But be reasonable and preserve those valued friendships as much as possible. Refusing to be civil with an ex at group events also looks petty.

Flirting with Friends

Innocent flirting may seem harmless, but it's playing with fire. When attached people flirt, it invalidates the relationship and opens the door emotionally to infidelity. Those careless flirtations also erode boundaries.

Flirting not only undermines your marriage, it also breeds awkwardness within friendships. Friends may start questioning your intentions or read more into things than you intend. Don't go there.

Reinforce boundaries by keeping flirtatious banter and body language off limits with friends. Be beyond reproach. If you have a flirtatious personality, reserve that only for interactions with your spouse.

Tips for Making Friends Support Your Marriage

Don't abandon friendships just because marriage takes priority - you can have both. Here are some tips for making sure your friendships reinforce, rather than undermine, your romantic relationship.

Set Clear Boundaries

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.