Making Autistic Relationships Work Through Communication and Understanding

Understanding Your Partner's Autism Diagnosis

Receiving an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) diagnosis as an adult can be a challenging experience, both for the individual themselves and for their romantic partner. While autism should never be used as an "excuse" for poor behavior, gaining a deeper understanding of ASD can help couples better navigate the unique challenges they may face.

Some key things to keep in mind if your partner receives an autism diagnosis:

• Autism is a neurological difference, not an illness or disease. It simply means their brain is wired differently.
• Many autistic adults are high-functioning and have average or above-average intelligence.
• They may excel in certain areas like logic, problem-solving, attention to detail, and special interests.
• However, they may struggle with communication, social skills, sensory issues, and adapting to change.
• These struggles are very real for them, not excuses.
• With understanding and the right support, autistic individuals can thrive in relationships.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship

Open and honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. However, communication difficulties are a core challenge for those with autism.

Your partner may struggle to express their feelings, read social cues, understand sarcasm, engage in small talk, or pick up on non-verbal signals. They may be very blunt and literal in their language.

On your end, try to be patient, clear, and concise when communicating important information. Don't rely too heavily on non-verbal signals or unspoken expectations. Direct, concrete language works best.

It can also help to give your partner time to process information and responses. Don't demand immediate reactions or rapid fire back-and-forth banter.

Encourage your partner to articulate their specific communication needs. There are many apps and tools that can aid communication for individuals on the spectrum.

Finding Flexibility Around Routines and Rigidity

The need for structure, routine, and order is very common for autistic individuals. Changes to their rigid daily rituals can provoke anxiety.

You will need to find creative flexibility around your partner's schedules and habits. At the same time, gently encourage them out of their comfort zone now and then to prevent too much rigidity.

It may help to give plenty of warning before activities and changes to routine. Post visual schedules and calendars to provide predictability. Have consistent routines for household tasks like chores and meals.

When disruptions are unavoidable, help your partner cope by providing fidget/stress toys, headphones, weighted blankets, quiet time alone, or other preferred sensory tools.

Navigating Sensory Differences

Many people on the autism spectrum have sensory processing issues. They may be overstimulated or overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, crowds, specific textures, or other intense sensory experiences.

Or they may crave sensory input and seek out things like deep pressure, spinning/repetitive motions, or strong smells and flavors.

Try to pay close attention to the sensory environment at home and in public. Notice what situations cause sensory overload for your partner. Carry noise-reducing headphones, sunglasses, and other adaptive tools to help limit overload.

Provide access to sensory stimulating activities your partner finds regulating - e.g. rocking, pressing weighted blankets, squeezing stress balls, chewing gum, taking baths.

With good communication, you can both find ways to trade off engaging in your preferred sensory experiences.

Supporting Special Interests

Most autistic people have passionate special interests they are highly absorbed in and knowledgeable about. These interests give great joy and fulfillment.

Try to embrace your partner’s special interests instead of mocking or discouraged them. Ask curious questions and learn about their interests. Buy related gifts and share relevant articles or information.

Gently set limits if their interest becomes obsessive and disruptive to your relationship or household responsibilities. But also make time for them to indulge it through clubs, conferences, online forums, or long rambling conversations with you.

Managing Social Interactions

Social situations can be extremely draining and stressful for those with autism. They struggle to navigate small talk, read cues and body language, interpret sarcasm/humor, or understand group dynamics.

Have compassion if your partner needs to limit, carefully plan out, or avoid certain social activities that overtax them. Respect their needs.

Offer to attend events together and help redirect conversations or provide subtle cues if your partner seems overwhelmed. Afterward, don’t criticize any social “mistakes” they may have made.

Also make time for quiet date nights at home base together, away from the chaos of socializing. Your partner will appreciate and benefit from this downtime with you.

Finding Physical Intimacy That Works

Intimacy and romance can be a sensitive subject for autistic individuals. Many have sensory issues around touch, struggle to pick up on subtle cues of interest or lack thereof, or have difficulty expressing romantic feelings.

Go slowly when initiating physical intimacy. Ask if touch/kissing is welcomed instead of relying on perceived subtle signals. Be concrete in expressing your desires.

Respect if your partner needs to limit physical intimacy due to sensitivities. Don’t interpret this as rejection. Find other ways to connect romantically through quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation.

Focus on mutual pleasure, not expectations. Be patient, communicate preferences openly, and explore what touch and intimacy your partner is comfortable with.

Supporting Your Partner and Your Relationship

Here are some final tips for being a supportive partner to someone on the autism spectrum:

• Educate yourself about ASD by reading, taking courses, or attending support groups.
• Advocate for your partner’s needs in public situations when necessary.
• Help limit overwhelming sensory input around the house.
• Stick to routines but also gently push your partner out of rigid comfort zones.
• Stimulate your partner’s special interests by engaging with them.
• Communicate clearly, patiently, and concretely.
• Respect your partner’s social and intimacy boundaries.
• Focus on all your partner’s wonderful qualities, not just the diagnosis.

With compassion, flexibility, understanding and open communication, an autistic/neurotypical relationship can thrive beautifully. Don't allow autism to be used as an excuse for disrespect - but strive to deeply understand your partner's experiences. You've got this!

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.