Understanding the Feeling of Longing When Someone is Far Away
It's a common human experience to have feelings of longing when a friend or loved one is geographically separated from us. Known clinically as perceived relational value and inclusion, longing arises from our psychological need for social connections and intimacy.
Longing can occur in many interpersonal relationships when distance prevents in-person contact for an extended period. The intensity and duration of longing varies based on attachment styles, closeness of the relationship, reasons for separation, communication frequency, and individual differences in managing emotions.
Coping with distance and the distress of longing takes mindfulness, resilience building, embracing positivity, and leveraging available technology for communication. By understanding what fuels longing and applying evidence-backed strategies, we can ease the discomfort and continue nourishing our important relationships from afar.
What Triggers Feelings of Longing?
Longing signals a threat to our need for belonging within a specific relationship. We experience greater longing for individuals who we perceive as fulfilling one or more social needs, whether emotional intimacy, support and security, intellectual connections, or simply joy and partnership in activities.
When physical proximity gets disrupted for longer than we expect for that relationship, longing kicks in. Our mind starts to craze more frequent affection or interactions that simulate the missed intimacy. Simply put, we long for whatever was fulfilling about that relationship before distance impaired it.
Beyond just missing a person, longing also links to worrying whether the separation will harm the relationship itself or your standing within it. Doubting ones worthiness of love and worrying about abandonment can exacerbate longing as well.
Why Do We Feel Longing?
Underlying psychological and biological factors drive feelings of longing that arise due to geographic separation from someone close to us:
Attachment System Activation
Bowlbys attachment theory proposed that mammals form bonds for security, survival, and emotional needs. When separated from an attachment figure physically, our body responds by longing for proximity restoration just as an infant would.
Oxytocin Regulation
Oxytocin is released when spending time with someone you have bonded with, signalling security and buffering stress. Separation disrupts this oxytocin regulation, leaving you craving more shared time to feel soothed again.
Fear of Losing Connection
Distance strains our ability to interact positively and meet each others needs. This activates worries about growing apart, losing touch, or having needs unmet until reunited. Hence the longing.
Cognitive Rumination
The longer the separation drags on, the more our thoughts may fixate on the absent loved one. Ruminating perpetuates longing by stimulating memories, fantasies about reuniting, and focusing attention inward.
Emotional Contagion
Humans unconsciously mimic the emotions of those we deeply connect with. When separated, picking up on their sadness through video calls for example can spread the feeling of longing.
How to Cope with Feelings of Longing
Its completely normal to long for someone special when you cannot be physically together for an extended time. Fortunately, various strategies can help ease the discomfort:
Acknowledge the Emotion
Pushing away feelings of sadness and grief over the separation only gives them more power. Accept that longing is normal and let yourself feel it fully without judgment.
Focus on the Present
Dwelling on regret about the past or future tripping intensifies longing. Refocus your mind on the here and now whenever you catch it wandering astray.
Open Up to Others
Confiding in trusted friends about how much you miss your partner validates the emotion. Their empathy, reassurance, and relating to similar experiences can soothe.
Express Gratitude
Reflect intentionally on what you appreciate about that person and the relationship itself. Feel grateful to have them in your life despite the hardship of separation.
Be Proactive in Maintaining Bonds
Longing signals an unmet need for intimacy and assurance of the relationships security. With some creative effort, we can nourish our core attachments despite the distance:
Schedule Regular Communication
Set up video chat dates and stay accountable to them. Consistent check-ins prevent drifting apart and not knowing whats going on in each others lives.
Get a Little Silly Together
Laughter and playfulness share endorphins just like in-person activities. Play games, tell stories, recreate old jokes to meet the intimacy need.
Mail Small Gifts
Nothing brings more joy than receiving something heartfelt in the mail from someone you miss. Gift ideas spanning photos, poems, treats, and inside jokes show you care.
Text Sweet Reminders
Sending texts saying you were thinking of them, cute emojis to start their day, quick video clips showing your world lets them feel included and cared for.
Visualize a Positive Reunion
Imagining finally being back together can spark happy neurotransmitters as if it were real. Mentally rehearse the meetup for an emotional lift when longing strikes.
When to Seek Help
In most cases, applying self-care tools allows us to push through the distress of missing a loved one. But if longing ever becomes truly immobilizing for functioning or persisting weeks on end without relief, seeking counseling can help uncover and address underlying factors.
Likewise, longing in codependent dynamics that encourage abandoning ones own needs can benefit from assessment by a mental health professional. Through self-discovery work, more balance and healthy boundaries may be restored.
Longing Serves an Important Purpose
The ache we feel from missing someone special, while uncomfortable, serves communication and relationship maintenance functions evolutionarily.
Leaning into it gently rather than avoiding the emotion allows us to activate behaviors that nourish our core attachments. With compassion for ourselves and creative nurturing of bonds, we can withstand the longing until physically reuniting again.
FAQs
Is it normal to feel longing in a long-distance relationship?
Yes, feelings of sadness and grief over being unable to be physically close to a romantic partner are very normal responses in long-distance relationships. Longing signals unmet intimacy needs.
Does longing mean you are lacking in your relationship?
No, longing simply indicates separation from someone you have formed an attachment bond with. It is not a sign you are deficient in providing for each other's needs when together.
Can you become codependent because of excessive longing?
In some cases being completely preoccupied by longing can reach unhealthy levels of codependency, especially if you abandon meeting your own needs. Seeking counseling helps determine healthy boundaries.
What helps couples maintain bonds despite distance?
Regular communication, playfulness, gift exchanges, sweet texts and calls, and visualizing positive reunions all help nourish relationships during periods of separation and longing.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.
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