Why People Hate Being Told What To Do - Psychology of Disliking Orders

Examining the Psychology Behind Disliking Orders

Most people bristle when they feel they are being told what to do. Commands can spark feelings of anger, resentment, and rebellion in many individuals. Where does this severe aversion to being ordered around come from? In this article, we dive into the psychology behind disliking directives and how to better handle situations where you feel controlled.

Human Need for Autonomy

Psychology identifies autonomy, or self-determination, as one of the basic human needs. We desire volition - making choices for ourself rather than feeling externally controlled. When Autonomy is taken away, we instinctively resist to regain freedom and control.

Being given directives strips our ability to decide for ourselves. This thwarts autonomy and can provoke automatic reactions to restore a sense of control, like refusing orders or becoming passive-aggressive.

Power Dynamics

Commands also set up an uneven power dynamic where one person asserts their authority over another. This imbalance triggers feelings of inferiority and injustice. We resent being made to feel less empowered.

If the person giving orders lacks credibility or seems undeserving of authority in our eyes, it further fuels noncompliance and rebellion.

Threat Response

Perceiving commands as threatening can also spark stubbornness or defiance. Some people have an excessive threat response, seeing even benign requests as dangerous violations of their self-determination.

Past trauma or abuse involving control may wire the brain to identify orders as perilous no matter how harmlessly they are intended.

Childhood Roots

While no one enjoys being told what to do, some individuals have an especially volcanic reaction to directives. The origins of this extreme aversion often trace back to childhood.

Authoritarian Parents

Growing up under excessively harsh or authoritarian parents frequently breeds contempt for orders later in life. If parents constantly gave commands in an angry, overbearing manner, the child learns commands signify hostility and distress.

Even as adults, being told what to do transports them back to feelings of helplessness and resentment toward domineering parents.

Lack of Choices

Parents who dictate every detail of a child's life without input leave little room for developing autonomy. These kids mature into adults quick to reject external control the moment they finally have freedom.

Micromanaged children often cannot self-regulate later because their own decision-making skills were hampered by overbearing parents.

Perfectionist Parents

Growing up with hypercritical parents who demand perfection but offer little praise or support is another recipe for command aversion. Nothing is ever good enough, so no wonder orders feel like oppressive obligations rather than helpful guidance.

These individuals associate orders with demoralization and seek to protect their self-esteem through stubbornness.

Coping Strategies

While disliking commands is normal, extreme control issues and knee-jerk defiance cause relationship problems and stress for all involved. Strategies for constructively addressing this reflexive reaction include:

Examine Why You Feel Threatened

When someone gives you an order, pause and examine why you perceive it as threatening before reacting. Understanding the root issues driving your responses helps prevent overreactions.

Communicate How You Feel

Calmly explain how directives make you feel controlled and spark involuntary reflexes. Help others understand your perspective so they can adjust their approach to be more collaborative.

Ask for Explanations

Ask the person giving directives to provide the reasons and context behind them. Understanding their thought process can make orders feel more reasonable and less arbitrarily controlling.

Request Changes

Politely discuss changes to make orders feel less authoritarian, like using "could you please" instead of demands. Offer compromises that allow you some autonomy while still accomplishing the overall task.

Manage Emotions

Make a conscious effort to control knee-jerk emotions of anger and stubbornness when receiving orders. Reframe directives as guidance or suggestions instead of threats.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Establish what types of directives and communication styles you will not accept from certain individuals. Enforce boundaries consistently to train others in preferable ways to make requests.

While learning to tolerate appropriate directives, embrace the opportunity to make more choices for yourself and nurture your autonomy in healthy ways.

Pick Your Battles

Another key coping strategy is to differentiate situations where defiance is warranted versus unnecessary. Consider:

Safety Instructions

Commands intended to protect you or others from harm, though unpleasant, should generally be followed unless unethical. Choose cooperation for safety.

Lawful Orders

Resisting lawful orders from authority figures like police, teachers, or courts tends to end badly. Comply in the moment, then address grievances through proper channels later.

Legitimate Authority

Accept reasonable work directives from bosses, coaches etc. who have earned positions of authority. Completing tasks is often simpler than defiance.

Unreasonable Demands

Stand up to directives that are dangerous, unethical, or impose unjustly upon your rights. Refuse unreasonable demands requiring your silence or complicity.

Choosing your battles helps ensure you resist commands for the right reasons instead of self-sabotaging knee-jerk reactions.

Directive Communication Tips

If you are on the flip side frequently needing to give orders, using the following communication approaches can help reduce resistance and resentment:

Explain Why

Tell the reasons and context behind the directives. This helps others understand and buy in rather than simply feel controlled.

Give Options

Allow choice within your instructions when possible. For example, "Please have this report done by Monday or Tuesday" feels less domineering.

Ask First

Frame orders as questions. "Could you please organize these files this week?" feels like less of an autocratic command.

Listen

Provide a chance for discussion and feedback about directives given. Being open to others' perspectives defuses tension.

Delegate Authority

Enable subordinates to make some decisions themselves. Granting autonomy prevents buildup of control-seeking defiance.

Offer Praise

Recognize effort and good performance. Heavy-handed criticism after giving orders breeds more resistance to comply next time.

Avoiding an overly authoritarian stance when giving directions can go a long way towards gaining willing cooperation.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

While handling your own dislike of orders or improving how you give directives, it's also vital to set healthy boundaries around compliance.

Unethical Orders

Refuse to follow instructions to lie, cheat, steal, harm others, or commit illegal acts. Report unethical directives immediately.

Demeaning Treatment

Do not tolerate verbal abuse or orders intended to demean you. Walk away and report bullying bosses.

Unsafe Conditions

Never comply with work orders requiring you to operate machinery, drive, or perform other tasks while dangerously sleep-deprived.

Unreasonable Requests

Politely decline orders that are impossible within time limits or company policies. Offer realistic alternatives.

While trying to improve attitudes about directives, ensure you aren't being exploited or endangered by what you are told to do.

Know Your Rights

Understanding rights and protections regarding compliance with orders is key for setting appropriate boundaries:

Labor Laws

Federal and state labor laws prohibit workplace orders to ignore safety rules, drive dangerously long hours, forgo meal breaks, or work off the clock unpaid.

Military Regulations

Military personnel must refuse orders that violate international laws or require committing war crimes. They also don't have to obey orders to their own injury or death.

Whistleblower Laws

Federal and state whistleblower laws protect employees refusing to comply with orders they reasonably believe to be illegal. Retaliation for reporting is illegal.

Civil Disobedience

Non-violent civil disobedience in defiance of unjust laws or government orders has produced positive reform. Know your liberties.

While disliking directives is natural, understanding the underlying reasons allows for addressing it constructively without overreacting or causing relationship conflicts.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.