Understanding Devaluation in Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotions and thoughts, unstable interpersonal relationships, and a fragile self-image. Many people with BPD struggle with feelings of chronic emptiness, intense anger, and fears of abandonment.

One of the most painful BPD symptoms for loved ones is something called "devaluation." This refers to a sudden shift in the way someone with BPD views a person close to them, from highly positive to extremely negative. These drastic shifts often leave friends and family feeling confused, hurt, and like they are "walking on eggshells."

What Triggers Devaluation in BPD?

Devaluation often occurs when a person with BPD perceives rejection or abandonment from someone they care about. This could be sparked by:

A loved one needing time alone or space
A friend making other plans
A partner going to work or on a trip
Even a small disagreement or criticism

Due to their intense fears of abandonment, people with BPD are highly sensitive. They may view healthy boundaries or reasonable needs for independence from loved ones as rejection or betrayal.

How Does Devaluation Show Up?

When a person with BPD feels rejected or abandoned, they may initially respond with extreme sadness, panic, anger, or shame. However, devaluation often follows.

Devaluation refers to a drastic shift from idealizing someone to negatively judging their worth or integrity. The person who was just seen as a wonderful partner, for example, is suddenly viewed as cruel, uncaring, or worthless.

Why Does Devaluation Happen?

There are a few explanations for why a person with BPD may devalue previously idealized loved ones, including:

Black-and-white thinking - People with BPD often view people and situations in extremes, with no middle ground. When they feel rejected, a previously "all good" person becomes "all bad."
Projection - The painful feelings triggered by perceptions of abandonment get externally projected as negative judgments onto the other person.
Loss of emotional control - Intense, painful emotions may override logic and even firmly held values, causing erratic behavior like lashing out.

Coping with Devaluation from a Loved One with BPD

Being on the receiving end of sudden devaluation from a loved one with BPD is very disorienting and painful. However, there are some things you can do to take care of yourself in these situations and potentially rebuild trust over time.

See It As Their Disorder, Not a Reflection on You

First, it is vital to recognize that devaluation stems from the person's BPD - not the truth about who you are or the intentions behind your actions. When a painful BPD symptom flares up, your true self is obscured from view to your loved one. Have compassion for their fear and emotional overwhelm, while trusting in your own worth.

Establish Healthy Boundaries

Creating some emotional distance can be wise when a loved one's judgement feels severely impaired. You do not need to tolerate cruel words or tries to control you. Gently disengage and do something nourishing for yourself instead.

Once emotions have stabilized a bit, you can revisit the situation to work things out. Make sure to draw clear boundaries - i.e. we cannot discuss this unless we both remain respectful and seek understanding.

Validate Their Feelings

While devaluation feels very personal, it often has little to do with you. When your loved one seems open, empathize with the painful emotions beneath their outburst. "It makes sense this situation triggered your abandonment fears since you've been hurt so much in the past. But I care about you, even when I need some alone time."

Avoid Defensiveness

As unfair as their accusations may feel, defensiveness tends to escalate scenes rather than help. Say you feel hurt by their words, state your good intentions simply, then shift the focus to how you can understand each other better going forward.

Treatment Options for Devaluation and Other BPD Symptoms

Coping strategies can help you manage painful BPD symptoms day-to-day. However, successful treatment can help your loved one find relief themselves so flare ups become less frequent over time.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

DBT is a research-backed treatment created specifically to address borderline personality disorder. It has four key components:

Mindfulness skills for regulating emotions
Distress tolerance techniques
Emotional regulation strategies
Interpersonal effectiveness training

DBT armors people with a toolbox of concrete skills for all aspects of BPD, from managing anger to communicating clearly during conflict. It may be provided one-on-one or in a group setting.

Mentalization-Based Therapy

MBT focuses on improving someone's capacity to "mentalize" - to understand your own and others' behaviors in terms of thoughts and feelings rather than negative judgements. This can reduce black-and-white thinking. MBT helps people with BPD communicate safely even during emotional moments.

Medications

While meds don't treat BPD directly, they may help manage symptoms like chronic emptiness, impulsivity, anxiety, and depression which often co-occur. Talk to a psychiatrist about options.

Finding the right treatment takes time, but compassion paired with professional support enables many people with BPD to thrive.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.