How to Repair Your Marriage When You Feel Like You're Growing Apart

Recognizing the Signs That You're Growing Apart

It's easy to get complacent in a long-term marriage. The longer you're together, the more you may start to feel like roommates instead of a married couple. This often happens gradually over many years, so you may not even notice it at first. Here are some common signs that you and your spouse are growing apart:

• You don't communicate like you used to. Conversations feel superficial and you rarely share your inner thoughts or feelings.
• You have fewer shared interests and hobbies. You each pursue your own separate activities.
• Intimacy and sex have decreased significantly or stopped entirely.
• You fight and argue more often over small issues.
• You feel more like roommates than a married couple.
• You've drifted apart emotionally and no longer feel connected.
• You keep separate schedules and sometimes go days without meaningful interaction.
• You daydream about what it would be like to be single again or with someone else.

If several of these sound familiar, it likely means you and your spouse have been slowly growing apart over time. The good news is there are many steps you can take to reignite the spark and reconnect before it's too late.

Be Honest About the State of Your Marriage

The first step is to be completely honest with yourself and your spouse about the divides between you. Come together and acknowledge you've grown apart and talk about the specific issues you've each observed. This may feel uncomfortable at first, but it's important to bring these problems out into the open if you want to fix them.

You may realize after this discussion that your spouse isn't aware there are problems or thinks things are actually fine. This is your cue to dig deeper into how you truly feel - don't hold back or downplay it. Explaining all the ways you feel disconnected can serve as the wake-up call your spouse needs to recognize your marriage is in trouble.

Identify Shared Goals for Saving Your Marriage

Next, have an open discussion about whether or not you both want to try to save the marriage, and why. If you're both willing to put in substantial effort to get your relationship back on track, that's a great start. Talk about what your shared goals and vision are for an improved marriage.

However, your spouse may express hesitations or reluctance about making big changes after years of status quo. Don't take it as a rejection of you - it may just mean some extra encouragement and reassurance is needed that you can make this work. Focus on the positive reasons you want to stay together, like shared history, values, kids, etc.

Reconnecting Emotionally as a Couple

Growing apart often means you've lost an emotional connection with your spouse. To repair your marriage, you need to actively work on understanding each other again.

Improve Communication

Healthy communication is the foundation of any strong marriage. When you grow apart, communication often breaks down first. You have to re-learn how to talk openly and honestly with each other about substantive topics. Set aside time each day or week for intimate conversations where you can talk about thoughts, feelings, goals - anything deeper than daily logistics.

Make Your Spouse a Priority

It's easy to get caught up in work, hobbies, kids and stop making your relationship a priority. Start carving out dedicated one-on-one time to be together. Turn off your phones, eliminate distractions, and focus fully on each other. Look for opportunities both at home and outside the house to reconnect.

Resolve Problems Maturely

You have to address problems head-on instead of avoiding difficult conversations. Learn healthy conflict resolution tactics like using "I" statements, compromising, and taking breaks if needed. See a counselor if you can't resolve arguments respectfully on your own.

Be Affectionate and Engage in Intimacy

Physical touch and sex promote bonding by stimulating oxytocin and endorphin release. Reignite intimacy in your marriage by flirting, massages, cuddling, kissing and regular sex. Be affectionate even outside the bedroom with small gestures like hand-holding, hugs and quick kisses.

Sharing Common Interests and Quality Time

The happiest marriages have spouses who share interests they enjoy together. If you've grown apart, you likely pursuit separate hobbies and activities. Dedicate time to rediscover shared interests or explore new ones together.

Find Mutually Enjoyable Activities

Make a list of things you both like to do - outdoorsy stuff, food/dining, entertainment, travel and more. Schedule regular date nights, weekends getaways and family activities focused on these shared interests. Trying new adventures together also adds novelty and excitement.

Compromise on Differing Interests

For hobbies and activities only one spouse enjoys, compromise by taking turns participating in them together sometimes. For example, join your husband on a golf outing if he'll go antiquing with you the following weekend. Alternating activities makes sure neither spouse feels overlooked.

Cultivate Common Interests

Introduce each other to new passions like cooking classes, volunteering, arts and crafts, sports leagues, etc. Discovering one or two new shared hobbies you both enjoy makes a big difference. You get to spend meaningful time together while also learning and growing in skills.

Making Individual Changes to Improve the Marriage

In addition to steps you take together, personal growth for each individual is key. You both likely developed bad habits over the years that contributed to growing apart. Here are some important ways to work on yourself.

Reflect on Your Own Shortcomings

Try to objectively reflect on your negative behaviors and flaws that may have damaged the marriage - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, etc. Owning up to your own contributions to relationship problems is an important first step to change.

Focus on Self-Care and Mental Health

Neglecting your needs often leads to anger, withdrawal, and loneliness. Prioritize self-care through proper sleep, diet, exercise, socializing with friends, relaxing hobbies, etc. Get treatment for any mental health issues like depression that take a toll on marriages.

Practice Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Make an effort to truly understand your spouse's experiences and emotions from their point of view. Perspective-taking builds empathy, compassion and strengthens emotional bonds between partners going through marriage troubles.

Work on Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

Learn and practice active listening, assertive communication styles, de-escalation tactics, and fair fighting guidelines. Improving these skills will help you have constructive dialogues to overcome marital conflicts respectfully.

When to Seek Professional Marriage Counseling

If you've tried the above tips without success, don't lose hope. Seeking guidance from a professional marriage counselor or therapist can make a huge difference. Here are some signs it may be time for counseling:

• Ongoing serious communication problems or fights
• Infidelity or betrayal that's hard to overcome
• One partner refuses to acknowledge problems or work on the relationship
• You've grown too far apart and lost love or attraction
• Presence of domestic violence or emotional abuse
• Substance abuse issues are sabotaging the marriage
• One partner wants a divorce while the other wants to save the marriage
• Constant tension, unhappiness, walking on eggshells

An experienced marriage counselor helps you have difficult dialogues, provides tools to reconnect and offers impartial guidance. For more severe issues, sessions may involve each spouse separately. Don't view counseling as a last ditch effort - it can help couples at any stage of marital problems if both partners want to improve the relationship.

When It May Be Time to Let Go

Despite your best efforts, some marital problems ultimately can't be resolved. You may reach a point where you need to start discussing separation or divorce. This heart-wrenching decision is made easier if:

• Your values and life goals no longer align
• Only one partner is willing to try - you can't save a marriage alone
• Someone engages in infidelity, deception, or other serious betrayal of trust
• Mental illness or substance abuse causes destructive behavior
• Physical or emotional abuse is present
• Constant along with and arguing has created too much damage to repair
• You've fallen out of love and no longer wish to be together

Leaving a marriage is difficult but sometimes necessary to build a happier, emotionally healthier future. You can part ways amicably through mediation. With guidance from professionals and support from loved ones, you can recover and thrive after separation or divorce.

Rebuilding Life after Separation or Divorce

Ending a marriage can feel devastating, but you have the power to create a fulfilling new life. Here are some tips for healing and moving forward after a split from your spouse:

Allow Yourself to Grieve the Loss

Letting go of dreams for your future together is painful - allow yourself to fully process the grief. Cry, journal, talk to loved ones, do whatever helps you cope. There's no set timeline, so take all the time you need.

Lean on Your Support System

Get through this challenging transition by spending time with close friends and family who build you up. Share your thoughts and feelings instead of isolating yourself.

Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion

Offset the emotional turmoil by engaging in healthy daily habits - eat nourishing foods, get regular exercise, unwind with soothing hobbies. Be kind to yourself and silence any self-blame.

Embrace This New Chapter

Once the initial grief subsides, intentionally shift your mindset to focus on starting over. Make a list of goals and dreams you can now pursue. This is an opportunity to create a life that aligns with your needs.

Remember - you are always capable of finding happiness, with or without your former partner. Have faith you will get through this stronger and wiser than before. Be patient with the process and trust you have so much joy ahead.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.