Why Do Men Not Know What They Want?
It's a common relationship complaint - women expressing frustration that their male partners seem unable or unwilling to identify and communicate their needs and wants. This can leave women feeling like men don't know what they want. But in reality, there are some key reasons why men may appear not to know what they want, and strategies for improving communication in relationships.
Social Norms and Expectations
Traditional gender norms often dictate that men should be stoic, independent and avoid appearing vulnerable. This can lead some men to actively avoid introspection or sharing their desires even within an intimate relationship. Some men may worry about appearing weak, needy or unmasculine if they openly communicate their needs.
Lack of Emotional Fluency
Research shows that women on average have higher emotional intelligence than men. Emotional intelligence involves understanding, identifying and communicating feelings. If men haven't spent time developing emotional awareness and vocabulary, it can be challenging to accurately name and express their wants and needs.
Avoidance of Conflict
Being straightforward about wants and needs in a relationship opens the door for potential disagreement or conflict if your partner can't or won't meet those desires. Some men may default to saying they are fine even when they aren't to sidestep possible arguments or rocking the boat.
Difficulty With Vulnerability
Making yourself emotionally vulnerable by sharing private wants and desires requires trust in your partner. If that trust isnt fully established or past partners have reacted negatively, a man may instinctively keep his cards close to his chest to stay safe.
Focus on Problem Solving
Research indicates men are more prone to a "fix it" mentality where their instinct is to offer solutions rather than just listen. If a woman expresses discontent, a man may jump straight to problem solving mode without really exploring her underlying emotional needs.
Stress and Mental Health Struggles
Unresolved mental health issues or high stress levels can make it very difficult for some men to accurately identify what they want and need. Mental bandwidth gets used up coping, leaving little energy to self-reflect.
Fear of Lost Autonomy
Having open conversations about wants and needs may lead your partner to make requests of you in return. Some men highly value independence and freedom, so they may avoid communication to maintain their autonomy.
How Women Can Help Men Articulate Their Needs
While the reasons above may shed some light on why men can seem unable to identify their own wants, the responsibility ultimately lies with them to do the work. However, there are some ways women can help draw out better communication from their partners:
Create a Safe Environment
Make sure you are reacting calmly and without judgment when your partner does open up. Dont make them regret their vulnerability by getting upset at what they share.
Ask Open Ended Questions
Avoid yes or no questions and ask open ended questions to get your partner to elaborate how did that make you feel? rather than were you mad?
Pick the Right Timing
Choose a time to initiate the conversation when you are both relaxed with no distractions or time pressures. Dont force it if one of you is already upset or stressed.
Listen Without Problem Solving
Men often want to jump straight to solutions. But first listen patiently without offering advice to make your partner feel truly heard.
Watch Your Tone and Language
Avoid an accusatory or lecturing tone. Use "I feel" statements rather than finger pointing "you" statements when sharing frustrations.
Suggest Writing it Down
If verbal sharing doesnt flow easily, suggest keeping a journal to work through his feelings privately at first.
When to Seek Outside Help
If youve tried multiple approaches to get your partner to open up and articulate his wants to no avail, it may be time to suggest couples counseling. A trained therapist can facilitate more profound communication using specific techniques like:
Emotionally Focused Therapy
This focuses on identifying underlying emotions and needs and expressing them constructively within your relationship.
Gottman Method
Research-based approach to improving trust, respect and understanding between partners.
Nonviolent Communication
Teaches making non-judgmental I statements and listening actively and compassionately.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Uses structured dialogue techniques promote understanding of each others point of view.
Strategies for Men to Identify and Communicate Wants
While a supportive partner can help, men ultimately need to take responsibility for doing the psychological and emotional work to uncover and share their wants and needs more clearly. Here are some strategies that can help:
Self-Reflection
Take time to introspect with deep thinking, meditation or prayer to get clarity on your values, goals, desires and vision.
Peer Support
Open up to other men you trust who may be further along in understanding themselves. Join mens groups exploring vulnerability.
Individual Counseling
Work with a therapist specializing in mens issues who can guide you through the process safely.
Read Self-Help Books
Seek out books and resources focused on developing emotional fluency and literacy.
Talk Openly With Your Partner
Practice articulating small wants and boundaries first to build trust and confidence to share more over time.
Write it Out
Journal privately about your inner world, then share nuggets with your partner once youve found clarity.
Listen Actively
Train yourself not to problem solve and instead reflect back what you hear your partner say to demonstrate understanding.
Moving Forward With Improved Communication
With care, compassion and concerted effort, men can get more in touch with their inner lives and clearly articulate wants and needs to their partners. This allows for greater intimacy and understanding. While it takes some work, the rewards of enhanced communication, closeness and relationship satisfaction make it well worth it.
FAQs
Why can't my partner tell me what he wants?
Reasons men may not express their wants include: social norms telling them to avoid vulnerability, lack of emotional awareness, fear of conflict, distrust, focus on problem solving, high stress, and valuing autonomy.
How do I get my boyfriend to open up?
Ways to help your male partner open up include: making them feel safe sharing without judgement, asking open-ended questions, finding the right timing, truly listening without problem solving, watching your tone, and suggesting writing it down.
What should I do if my husband won't tell me his needs?
If your husband refuses to articulate his needs after trying different approaches, consider seeking couples counseling. A therapist can help facilitate communication using techniques like emotionally focused therapy, Gottman method and more.
How can men get in touch with what they want?
Strategies for men to identify their wants include: self-reflection, peer support groups, individual counseling, reading self-help books, practicing articulating small needs first, journaling, and actively listening when their partner shares.
Is it normal for men to have trouble expressing their feelings?
Yes, it's common for men to have more difficulty identifying and expressing emotions due to social conditioning and lower emotional fluency. But with effort, they can learn to communicate their feelings and wants more clearly.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.
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