Making an Asperger's Marriage Work: Meeting in the Middle

Navigating a Relationship With an ASD Partner

Being in a committed partnership with someone who has an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) like Asperger's syndrome can be incredibly rewarding, but also uniquely challenging. The communication differences, social skill gaps, sensory needs, and tendency toward rigidity in routines associated with ASDs can put strain on even the strongest bonds.

If you are struggling in your marriage to an ASD partner to the point that you have considered leaving the relationship, know that you are not alone. Many neurotypical partners grapple with feelings of isolation and frustration. But there may still be hope for growth and reconciliation if both individuals are willing to learn strategies tailored for ASD/neurotypical relationships.

Getting Educated on Asperger's Syndrome

The first step is arming yourself with a greater understanding of Aspergers syndrome and how it manifests in daily life. The core characteristics involve social interaction and communication challenges, such as:

• Difficulty making eye contact or reading facial expressions/body language
• Trouble understanding perspectives different from their own
• Conversations focused heavily on special interests or topics important to them
• Blunt, black-and-white language lacking nuance or unwritten social rules

People with Aspergers tend to thrive on consistency and predictability. Sudden changes in routine or environment can heighten anxiety. Other common traits include sensitivity to stimuli like sound and touch, poor sleep habits, meltdowns when overwhelmed, and more.

Pinpointing Core Issues

Once you better understand the Aspergers lens, reflect on the specific issues breeding resentment or distance in your partnership. Are most conflicts related to communication breakdowns? Differences in emotional needs or intimacy approaches? Rigidity around plans or responsibilities?

Make a list of your core frustrations as well as your partners likely grievances with you. Look for any patterns that reveal your most significant disconnects.

Adjusting Expectations

The next step calls for self-analysis to determine what expectations of your partner may be unrealistic or unfair given the wiring of an Asperger brain. Can you remove demands for frequent eye contact if it causes discomfort? Accept conversations laser-focused on special interests instead of wider reciprocity? Embrace strict adherence to routine if it eases anxiety?

Consider what requests your partner could make of you that would also help bridge differences. How much can each of you flex to meet somewhere in the middle?

Building a Support System

You need not navigate this alone. Connect with other neurotypical partners of ASD individuals for validation and advice. Local support groups, online communities like Aspies Central, and therapists who specialize in this dynamic offer safe spaces to share your frustrations and solutions.

Confide in close friends or family members who constructively support the relationship. Avoid venting to those who fuel resentment or make you second guess commitment to progress.

Enlisting Professional Help

Marital counseling provides perhaps the greatest promise for relationship rehabilitation, especially when the counselor has expertise in the neurodiverse dynamic you face. Sessions can help unmask toxic patterns while equipping you both with communication techniques that foster understanding.

Your husband should also pursue personal therapy with a professional well-versed in Aspergers. Addressing individual triggers, social skill deficits, and emotional blocks can indirectly but profoundly help the marriage.

Trying a TAG Team Approach

TAG stands for trust, accountability, and guidance three pillars Dr. Kenneth Roberson recommends to stabilize marriages strained by Aspergers syndrome. Building trust requires openness, patience on both sides, and assuming positive intent even when execution falters. Accountability means following through on agreements, making needed changes, and taking ownership for missteps.

Guidance emphasizes receiving support from specialists, family, community, and other resources to deepen knowledge of Aspergers and tailor positive strategies for your partnerships needs.

Cultivating Empathy & Acceptance

Though Aspergers presents very real challenges, your husband is likely not choosing behaviors purposefully to frustrate you. His brain is simply wired differently, demanding more flexibility and support from loved ones to thrive in relationship contexts many neurotypical people take for granted.

Show empathy by acknowledging his lived experience differs from yours, and work to embrace neurodiversitys beauty. Also appeal to his sense of sacrifice or willingness to meet halfway for the good of the marriage, if possible. Moving forward requires acceptance of his Aspergers identity alongside commitment to progress.

Focusing on Strengths

Shift perspective by identifying your husband's strengths stemming from Asperger's wiring. Traits like razor sharp focus, pattern recognition, intense dedication to special interests, honesty unbound by white lies, and dependability around routine can greatly enrich the dynamic - if leveraged properly. How might those gifts improve understanding or add value?

Rebuilding Intimacy & Trust

Physical and emotional intimacy issues often plague marriages impacted by Aspergers. Rebuilding fragile trust through vulnerability, listening without judgment, affection both romantic and platonic, etc. proves vital.

Experiment to discover which environments or approaches foster comfort and closeness for both partners needs. Seek support in processing feelings of rejection when inevitable disconnects occur.

When to Keep Trying - And When to Walk Away

Every relationship deserving salvage will reach a point where both parties must decide to let go or give it one more try. You alone can discern your breaking point after lots of work improving communication, radical acceptance of differences, professional support, leans on your communal net, etc.

If violence or abuse rather than misunderstanding drives toxicity, seek safety immediately. Likewise, if efforts simply enable your partners refusal to take responsibility or productively problem solve over time, your limits understandably call you to free yourself. Otherwise, stay the course a bit longer if willing.

Moving On Without Guilt

Should you ultimately determine the marriage no longer sustains either partners growth or mental health, let go knowing you gave reconciliation the good fight. No need to carry guilt over abandoning your husband as you build a new life. Desiring fulfillment and peace does not diminish what the relationship once meant.

Co-Parenting with Compassion

If you share children, take extra care to facilitate their relationship with their neurodiverse father. Foster compassion in them for how Aspergers impacts people by showcasing strengths too. You will forever be linked through your little ones, so seek to maintain an amicable bond rooted in good faith despite challenges.

Every couple faces make-or-break tribulations testing commitment. When diverse neurology enters the fray, even more patience and empathy fuels needed. Seek knowledge, support community, get expert guidance, and look inward to determine what genuine compromises and radical acceptance of your partners Aspergers may yet sustain the marriage - if you both remain willing.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.