How to Cope When You've Fallen Out of Love with Someone

Examining Why You Fell Out of Love

Falling out of love can be a painful and confusing experience. One day you may feel completely enamored with your partner, and the next you feel distance and disinterest. This drastic change of heart leaves many wondering why and how couples fall out of love.

According to relationship experts, there are a variety of complex reasons why people fall out of love. By understanding the psychology behind these reasons, you can better cope with heartbreak and learn from the experience.

You Grew Apart

One of the most common reasons relationships end is that couples simply grow apart. Over time, the interests, values, and life goals between partners can diverge and create distance. Perhaps you want to travel abroad long-term and your partner wants to settle down and start a family. Or your political beliefs have shifted over the years while your partner's remain the same. Whatever the differences, large incompatibilities strain the foundation of relationships.

Even changes in personalities over time can cause you to fall out of love. The person you were 5 or 10 years ago is likely quite different from who you are today. If you and your partner are no longer able to relate to each other's new personalities, falling out of love is unsurprising. People naturally change and evolve as individuals; trying to force your partner to remain the same is unrealistic.

Loss of Intimacy

For couples in long-term relationships, a lack of intimacy is a prime reason feelings fade. Physical intimacy through sex and touch, as well as emotional intimacy through communication and trust are foundational. Without consistent intimacy, the passion and care tends to slip away. The emotional and sexual connection is a vital part of romantic love. Letting that intimacy diminish allows the relationship to become closer to a friendship.

A sexless relationship is often a symptom of deeper issues like resentment or loss of attraction. Partners may stop making an effort to physically connect because other problems have pushed them apart. Restoring intimacy requires identifying and addressing those underlying issues with professional counseling or therapy.

Unresolved Resentment

Harboring resentment towards your partner is destructive to any relationship. Resentment stems from unresolved conflicts, betrayals, or perceived wrongdoings. These negative feelings slowly transform love into bitterness and contempt. You cannot truly love someone you resent.

For example, perhaps you resent your partner for having an affair years ago and you cannot move past the betrayal. Or maybe subtle putdowns and criticism from your partner have caused you to resent them. Hanging onto resentment prevents you from forgiving, trusting, and reconnecting.

The only way to purge resentment is through open communication. Avoid suppressing and ignoring negative feelings, as that will only cause them to grow. Be vulnerable about how your partner's actions made your feel and find ways to healthily resolve the issues.

Fear of Commitment

For some people, the realization that their relationship is becoming deeper and more permanent triggers intense fear. Commitment phobia stems from feeling that your freedom is being restricted or that you're missing out on other opportunities. While it's normal to have some anxiety about long-term commitments, an overwhelming dread signifies a real problem.

Rather than communicate their fears and work through them with their partner, those petrified of commitment often sabotage the relationship or abruptly end things. Their avoidance prevents the possibility of overcoming fears and learning to be comfortable with commitment. A partner who refuses to address theirCOMMITMENT fears unfairly deprives the relationship of the chance to mature.

Unmet Emotional Needs

Feeling that your core emotional needs are not being met by a partner demolishes feelings of love. According to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, successful couples make their partner feel important, respected, and cared for. They show admiration, affection, and appreciation consistently.

Without this emotional nurturing, one partner may fall out of love. For example, constant criticism instead of praise causes someone to feel worthless and unloved. Or workaholic habits that leave no quality time together lead to loneliness. If repeated attempts to communicate these emotional needs are ignored, the neglected partner has little choice but to retreat emotionally.

Loss of Shared Vision

Working cooperatively towards mutual goals and a shared vision of the future cements couples together. It fosters interdependence and purpose in the relationship beyond just romance. However, as couples change over time, they may outgrow their original visions.

For instance, partners who bonded over ambitious career aspirations may find one person's goals shifting after having children. Differing visions of the future divide couples who cannot get back on the same page. Without revived alignment in your hopes and dreams, the relationship loses relevance and meaning.

Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

Repeating destructive behaviors prevents relationships from progressing into healthy, committed love. Partners remain stuck reenacting old traumas, conflicts, and attachments. Some common unhealthy patterns include:

• Pursuer-distancer - One partner relentlessly seeks intimacy, while the other avoids it.
• Blamer-placater - One partner always finds fault in the other, while the other seeks to appease.
• Victim-rescuer - One partner acts helpless so the other has to come to their aid.

These dynamics drain energy and erode fond feelings over time. Counseling can equip couples with the skills to circumvent negative patterns. But both partners must be willing to make changes.

Infidelity

Infidelity often destroys feelings of love entirely. The broken trust, dishonesty, and betrayal traumatize the faithful partner. They may come to view their unfaithful partner as a stranger. Restoring the relationship after an affair requires tremendous vulnerability, honesty, counseling, and effort from the unfaithful partner.

Sometimes the wounds prove too deep and cannot be healed. The painful memories resurface constantly, preventing the faithful partner from ever fully loving or trusting the unfaithful partner again. In these cases, falling out of love may signal the relationship has no future.

Coping When You Fall Out of Love

Recognizing that you've fallen out of love with your partner elicits deep grief. The loss of the relationship you once cherished is difficult to accept. Be patient and kind with yourself through the heartbreak. Implement self-care strategies and lean on trusted loved ones. Avoid making any rash decisions about the relationship until you process your emotions.

Once you've worked through the initial grief, reflect objectively on the relationship. Consider if any issues can be repaired or if you ultimately need to let go. If you want to rekindle the connection, commit to open communication, romance, and quality time together. Retreats, workshops, or counseling can also help reboot the relationship.

However, if the issues seem irreparable, separating respectfully may be healthiest. Follow your instincts - in some cases, falling out of love is your heart's signal that it's time to move on. Though painful, trusting this intuition can open you up to finding a more compatible relationship.

Falling out of love does not mean the relationship was a failure or waste of time. Every relationship offers lessons and opportunities for growth. Reflect on what this person taught you about yourself and what you truly need in a partner. Applying these lessons will serve you well when seeking your next relationship.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.