Healthy Ways to Cope When You Want Something Badly But Can't Have It

Understanding Unfulfilled Longing and How to Cope

We all experience longing for things we desire but feel out of reach. Whether it's a dream job, a long-distance relationship, or some other hoped-for situation that eludes us, unfulfilled yearning can lead to disappointment, sadness, and even depression.

When you desperately want something but obstacles prevent you from having it, it's important to cultivate healthy coping strategies. Doing so can ease the pain of separation and make it easier to carry on.

Why We Long for the Unattainable

Human beings are wired to crave and strive. When we set our sights on something, our brains release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals that push us to take action toward the desired object or outcome.

Longing helps motivate us toward goals that give our lives meaning and purpose. The problem arises when our intense yearning goes unreciprocated or unfulfilled.

Coping With Distance From a Loved One

Physical or emotional distance from someone we love can activate intense feelings of longing. Our brains register separation from attachment figures as a threat, triggering panic and anxiety.

If you long for a partner, friend, or family member who lives far away, it’s important to confront rather than deny the pain. strategies like frequent communication, making plans to reconnect, and cultivating local support can help you cope.

Coming to Terms With Unattainable Desires

Sometimes we want things that are plainly beyond our grasp - a happy ending to a relationship that’s run its course, a career that’s incompatible with our skills and interests, or a circumstance that defies reality.

In these cases, radical acceptance of what is and is not possible is essential. This allows us to channel our energy into creating circumstances we can control rather than fruitlessly pinning our hopes on impossibilities.

Healthy Ways to Cope With Intense Longing

Unfulfilled desire can drain our energy, mood, and self-esteem. When we don’t get something we want badly it hurts. Focusing exclusively on the absence worsens the pain.

The following strategies can help you better manage when you want something desperately but can’t have it right now or ever:

Be Compassionately Realistic

Some hopes we carry are realistic possibilities we can actively work to fulfill. Others are complete impossibilities or improbabilities. Recognizing the difference helps temper unhealthy attachment to outcomes that will never be.

Accept reality with self-compassion rather than self-blame. Understand that hardship and disappointment are part of everyone's experience.

Externalize and Express Feelings

Bottling up anguish when we want but cannot have serves no one. Seek outlet through private journaling, candid conversations with trusted confidants. Creative outlets like music, poetry, or art can help us honor and process painful emotions.

Letting our true feelings flow outward can keep them from festering or erupting in self-defeating ways. Even just acknowledging “This hurts terribly” moves us forward.

Use Imagery and Fantasy Ethically

Visualization techniques leverage our imagination so we can experience desired situations mentally. Emotionally indulging fantasies of fulfillment can soften the sting when reality fails to deliver.

Keep fantasizing ethical by avoiding elaborate imagined scenarios with real people or possibilities that breed false hope. Focus imaginings on your inner experience of fulfillment.

Practice Gratitude and Self-Care

Getting mired in a swamp of self-pity over what we lack drains energy needed to move forward. Making time for vitality-boosting self-care practices counteracts depletion.

Likewise, actively appreciating the people and blessings we do have fuels positive momentum. Count blessings in detail to lift mood and perspective.

Set Sights on New Possibilities

Instead of fixating on a closed door, look for windows opening. Losing hope in one desired outcome clears space to envision alternative paths. With reflection and input from those who know you best, identify promising new directions in which to channel effort.

Focusing on the next right step rather than the impossible dream keeps action flowing in healthy alignment.

When to Seek Counseling for Unfulfilled Longing

Normal longing comes and goes. But intense, chronic yearning can negatively impact work, relationships and overall wellbeing. Counseling may help if you experience:

• Depression, marked loss of interest, sleep and appetite changes from unmet expectations
• Excessive isolation or fixation on the desired situation or person
• Intrusive fantasizing about unattainable outcomes
• Panic, rage, self-harm or suicidal thoughts related to thwarted hopes

Therapists help clients work through grief over unrealized dreams. They aid development of coping and communication skills for sitting with loss or longing. With professional support, we can come to accept reality while sustaining hope for new beginnings.

When to Keep Fighting for Fulfillment

Sometimes rather than recoiling in defeat, we need to keep advancing toward long-held goals. With expert input, we may judge a coveted job or relationship status remains in the realm of reality. Or determine that further personal growth could ready us to attract what we lack.

Counseling, career coaching, life mapping guides and manifestation techniques may reveal next steps. Maintaining fitness, network connections and skill development keeps you poised for action when opportunities arise.

Listen inwardly, assess external feedback, and stay open to modification. But when wanting something desperately comes from authentic soul-level truth rather than surface impulse, empowering support can help you get there.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.