Understanding the Draw to Emotionally Unavailable Men
Its easy to think you want a loving, caring partner who reciprocates your feelings and desires an emotionally intimate relationship. Yet time and again, you find yourself falling for emotionally unavailable guys who end up being non-committal or leaving you confused and hurt. What gives?
The Appeal of a "Challenge"
Oftentimes an emotionally unavailable man presents more of a challenge in the beginning. His hot-and-cold interest seems perplexing compared to men who shower you with affection quickly. Trying to win the attention of someone who blows inexplicably cold can become irresistibly attractive, like solving a addictive mystery.
The unpredictability triggers your imagination and longing through a non-stop rollercoaster of highs and lows. Their sporadic reinforcement and withdrawal activates your dopamine circuits and leaves you craving more. Essentially, you become hooked on the riveting uncertainty.
False Hope for The One
Another common tendency is projecting all the qualities of your ideal romantic fantasy onto an emotionally unavailable guy despite concrete evidence hes incapable of meeting your needs. You cling to faint glimmers of potential and small tokens that seem to reveal a good guy underneath.
Although he never steps up consistently, you convince yourself with the right amount of love, patience and loyalty from you, he will emotionally mature into the perfect caring partner. This false hope keeps you pursuing aloof men, believing you will uncover a fairy tale ending.
Assessing Emotional Availability
The first step to stopping self-destructive attraction patterns with distant, noncommittal men is training yourself to discern emotional unavailability quickly and accurately. Notice these 7 common signs:
1. Inconsistency
Pay attention to the consistency of a mans communication, affection, effort and responsibility early on. An emotionally available partner will display reliable follow-through while an emotionally unavailable man frequently fails to do what he says or follow up when expected.
2. Deflects Serious Conversations
If he routinely avoids or ends discussions about feelings, needs, values, or the relationship status with jokes, distraction or abrupt exits, it signals difficulty with emotional intimacy required for availability and commitment.
3. Lots of Excuses
Be cautious if a pattern emerges where he repetitively cancels plans last minute or rationalizes hurtful behavior on external circumstances beyond his control. While occasional instances happen, excuses should not become a regular habit that leaves you hanging.
4. Hot & Cold Reactions
Pay close attention to drastic shifts in a mans level of affection, engagement and praise vs ignoring you or acting irritated by you. These intense highs and lows indicate he struggles regulating intimacy and distances to self-protect once feeling engulfed.
5. Denies Issues
Beware partners who deny or minimize relationship problems, refuse to discuss them, or blame you for overreacting when you try raising legitimate concerns. Emotionally available men recognize relationship conflicts and actively work with you to solve issues.
6. Wont Commit
Be mindful of men who drag their feet progressing the relationship to increased commitment and definition after many months of dating. Excessive reluctance or vague statements about needing more time typically signal an underlying fear of emotional intimacy.
7. History of Failed Relationships
While someone can genuinely have a string of unlucky partners, be cautious of extensive relationship histories featuring drama, abandonment, infidelity or very brief flings. This might reflect an ongoing issue with unavailability, intimacy fears or lack of relationship skills.
Breaking the Destructive Attachment Pattern
Once aware of the dysfunctional emotional dependency you can develop trying to change detached men, implementing healthier relationship habits becomes vital. Try these steps:
Cut Off Contact Cold Turkey
The magnetic pull of an emotionally unavailable guy usually makes staying friends or intermittent hookups irresistible. Sever all contact immediately to short circuit the addictive highs and lows. Delete/block his number to eliminate temptation for innocent check-ins. Go full no contact to detox the attachment.
Fill Schedule with New Activities
Idleness and boredom leaves space missing the guy and idealizing memories. Fill your schedule joining new groups/classes, planning solo adventures and hanging with heart-centered friends who uplift you. Stay busy focusing positive energy on your own growth and joy.
Write Down Deal Breakers
Identify the specific behaviors and traits that are complete nos for you moving forward such as: poor communication, unreliability, emotional distancing, inability to commit after X months, etc. Keep this list handy, adding to it whenever you uncover more intolerable patterns.
Practice Affirmations
Use daily positive affirmations to reinforce your self worth, standards and that you deserve reciprocal healthy love. Write inspirational mantras like I am enough, I accept only fully available emotionally mature men etc and repeat them aloud often.
Learn Attachment Styles
Research attachment styles in relationships focusing on fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant categories. Insight on how these develop can reveal blindspots in your selection process. Often knowledge of psychological influences creates power to override them.
Talk to Positive Supports
Confide in compassionate friends/family about your pattern with distant men to release shame and gain outside perspective. Their insights can be invaluable, as can their ongoing encouragement of new healthier relationship habits to break the addiction.
Creating Positive Love Patterns Long-Term
Once youve begun retraining your attachment instincts away from pursuing emotionally unavailable guys, implementing these positive practices fortifies healthier lifelong relationships:Date Multiple Men Simultaneously
Resist over-attaching quickly by maintaining non-exclusive relationships for the first 4-6 months of dating someone new. Spread your attention across interactions with 3-4 prospects to neutralize intensity towards one. Let real compatibility and availability organically rise to the top.
Dont Try to Lock Down Commitment
Avoid pressuring or nagging men early on about being exclusive or official. This often amplifies their distancing behaviors if intimacy averse. Let trust build slowly through consistently seeing their invested effort, vulnerability and positive communication first.
Observe Without Absorbing Blame
If calls/texts inexplicably stop or other questionable behavior occurs, refrain from auto-rejecting yourself as the issue. Pull back to cautiously observe from a neutral standpoint if their withdrawal reflects unresolved problems they need addressing.
Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries
Practice stating your needs and limits clearly upfront then walking away unaffected if unable to be met after a reasonable period. Affirm you only welcome partners able to show up fully in reciprocity and consistency with you.
Committing to this stringent vetting and training process ensures youll organically filter out emotionally unavailable men early while attracting better suited partners who cherish your worth.
FAQs
Why do I keep going after guys who are emotionally unavailable?
You likely feel intensely drawn to emotionally unavailable men because their hot-and-cold behavior triggers addictive highs and lows through intermittent reinforcement. Trying to win their affection also presents an irresistible challenge. Plus, you may cling to false hope you can be “the one” to finally make them commit.
How can I tell if a guy is emotionally unavailable early on?
Key signs of emotional unavailability to watch for include inconsistent follow-through, deflection from serious conversations, excessive excuses for behavior, hot-and-cold reactions, denial of issues, unwillingness to commit after months of dating, and a history of failed relationships.
What are healthy ways to break the attachment addiction?
Tips to break the destructive attachment pattern include cutting off all contact instantly, filling your schedule with new activities, writing down your non-negotiable deal breakers, using daily affirmations, learning about attachment styles, and talking to supportive friends to gain outside perspective.
How do I finally find an emotionally available loving partner?
Ways to finally attract a healthy loving partner include dating multiple prospects simultaneously early on, letting trust build slowly without pressuring commitment, observing red flags neutrally, setting clear emotional boundaries you stick to, and rigorously vetting consistency and reciprocity in a man’s actions long-term.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.
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