Coping with a Partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder
Being in a romantic relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be very challenging. Their intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and unstable sense of self can take a major toll on loved ones.
Going "no contact" may seem like the only way to regain sanity. However, this extreme measure should be carefully considered - and there are healthier coping strategies to try first.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline personality disorder is a condition marked by:
- Unstable moods and self-image
- Impulsive, risky behavior
- Intense emotional reactions and anger issues
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
- Unstable relationships
These symptoms often leave partners feeling hurt, frustrated, and at their wits end. But there are constructive ways to cope.
Why People With BPD Fear Abandonment
Those with BPD often harbor intense abandonment fears due to unstable senses of self. They desperately rely on loved ones to help define their identity and regulate unstable emotions.
As a result, threats of no contact can provoke extreme reactions. Still, boundaries are healthy - just communicate them compassionately.
First Try Healthier Coping Strategies
Before considering no contact, try these evidence-based tips for coping with a partner who has BPD:
Get Educated on BPD
Read up on BPD symptoms, causes, and relationship patterns. Understanding the psychological drivers behind their behaviors promotes empathy while still maintaining boundaries.
Encourage Their Healing Process
Support and gently encourage therapeutic growth through DBT training tailored to BPD. This addresses unhealthy relationship habits stemming from deeper emotional issues.
Set Healthy Boundaries Lovingly
Calmly discuss and define healthy relational boundaries surrounding respect, space, etc. This provides stability without ultimatums.
Work on Validating Their Feelings
Practice validating their emotions without necessarily agreeing with their actions. This helps them feel understood and secure enough to self-reflect.
Share Your Experience Honestly Yet Tactfully
Openly yet tactfully communicate how certain behaviors impact you, not to shame but to build understanding. This constructive communication is key.
Get Support From Other Loved Ones
Confide in trusted family and friends for emotional support. Processing with objective third parties prevents resentment.
When to Consider a No Contact Break
In extreme cases where your wellbeing is severely impacted and other strategies have failed over an extended time, a temporary no contact break may be needed. This would involve:
- Informing them you need strictly no contact for a set period of time
- Blocking their number and social media during that period
- Using the space to heal without them influencing emotions
If considering this, first seek counseling to establish healthy boundaries and determine if reconciliation is possible post-break.
Key Times When No Contact May Apply
Situations where a temporary no contact break may be suitable include:
- After an extreme verbal or physically abusive episode
- When your mental health is declining severely due to the relationship
- All other attempts at boundaries and healing have failed
But proceed very cautiously, as no contact could lead to the relationships demise.
Navigating No Contact with Someone with BPD
If a no contact break with your partner who has BPD becomes necessary, expect and prepare for an intense emotional escalation. Use the break for your own healing while being ready to properly implement reconciliation or termination of the relationship after.
Expect Intense Blowback
Due to abandonment fears, your partner will likely retaliate strongly through:
- Pleading texts and calls
- Voicemails oscillating between loving and hateful
- Posts trying to provoke jealousy
- Showing up unannounced
Stick firmly to the period and terms of no contact you initially set. Any response resets the clock and undermines the purpose of space.
Use the Time to Heal Objectively
Spend the no contact period processing the relationship and your feelings with a counselor or support group. Avoid discussing with those who know you both to prevent bias.
Determine if Reconciliation is Healthy
Carefully evaluate with a professional if re-establishing contact post-break could lead to a healthier relationship, or would further enable dysfunction.
Have a Plan if Ending the Relationship
If determining the relationship is unsalvageable, use the break to make arrangements preparing for a permanent split. This may involve moving out, separating finances, etc.
When ultimately ending things, do so with compassion while firmly maintaining boundaries.
Seeking Specialized Couples Counseling
If both you and your partner are committed to growth, specialized counseling helping couples navigate BPD can establish trust and coping strategies so no contact breaks are never needed.
This involves dialectical behavior therapy tailored to romantic relationships. Having a mediator facilitates difficult conversations and promotes validation, problem solving skills, and regulating emotional reactions.
Through time and dedication, a healthier relationship dynamic is truly attainable.
The Decision to Go No Contact with Someone with BPD
Going no contact with a romantic partner who has BPD is an extreme measure warranting very thoughtful consideration. While an understandable reaction to profound pain, permanently severing the relationship should not be taken lightly.
With compassion, professional support, and gradual implementation of boundaries, those with BPD absolutely can have healthy, loving relationships. Condemnation and abandonment only breed more turmoil.
While ultimatums rarely lead to positive outcomes, even people with the most severe BPD symptoms can change for the better. Where there is love and understanding on both sides, there is always hope.
FAQs
Why do people with BPD fear abandonment and react badly to no contact?
Their unstable sense of self relies heavily on relationships to define their identity. No contact threats trigger primal abandonment fears, provoking extreme emotional reactions.
What are some healthier strategies to try before going no contact?
Educate yourself on BPD, encourage their therapeutic growth, set kind boundaries, validate their feelings, share your experience tactfully, get external support.
When is it appropriate to temporarily go no contact with a partner who has BPD?
In extreme cases of abuse or declining mental health when other attempts have failed over an extended timeframe. But proceed very cautiously and seek counseling.
Can couples counseling help avoid the need for no contact breaks?
Yes, specialized DBT counseling for couples can facilitate difficult conversations and establish trust, coping strategies and emotional regulation skills to avoid relationship crises.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.
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