The Agony and Ecstasy of Romantic Love: Why We Open Our Hearts Despite the Pain

The Power of Love

Love is one of the most powerful emotions we can experience as humans. When we fall in love, we not only feel immense joy and connection, but our brains are flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals make us giddy, energetic, and even obsessive. However, as research shows, with great joy can also come great sorrow when love takes a painful turn.

The Rush of New Love

That initial state of passion and desire when two people first fall for each other is known as limerence. During this phase, our brains are constantly thinking about the object of our affection. One study found that people in this state of limerence had higher nerve growth factor levels, which are associated with resilience against adversity. This could explain the almost energetic and fearless sense of adventure we feel during new love.

Our brains also release chemicals like adrenaline and dopamine when we're with our beloved. Similar to the high a person gets from certain illicit drugs, this chemical rush makes us feel alert, focused, motivated, and euphoric. Our bodies crave the object of our affection almost like a drug, leading to obsession. We begin rearranging our lives to maximize time with him or her.

The Pain of Heartbreak

Just as love gives our mind incredible joy, it can equally devastate us with sadness. The pain of romantic rejection activates the same pathways in the brain that get triggered in response to physical pain. In fact, acetaminophen (the drug in Tylenol) has been found to reduce heartbreak pain.

Rejection in love can also lead to genuine medical consequences. One phenomenon doctors have dubbed "broken heart syndrome" occurs when intense emotional stress leads to sudden heart muscle failure. The medical term is stress-induced cardiomyopathy, but the impact is genuinely alarming—a sudden weakening of the heart that can be misdiagnosed as a massive heart attack at first.

The Stages of Lovesickness

When a relationship ends, either through rejection or simply two people drifting apart, the rejected person commonly experiences a condition known as lovesickness. It encompasses the range of emotional and even physical symptoms people go through after losing a loved one.

1. Protest. The first phase after a breakup is protesting it and insisting it can be repaired or the relationship can be revived. The lovelorn person may make dramatic statements or grand gestures to win back their beloved.

2. Despair. When protesting and insisting on reviving the relationship fail to change anything, the lovelorn person slides into despair. Signs can include insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, and anxiety.

3. Detachment. Over weeks or months, the lovelorn individual realizes the relationship is over. They cannot continue clinging to false hope and must accept reality. This phase can overlap with despair but gradually leads to adjustment.

4. Recovery. Finally, the lovelorn partner begins to rebuild their life without their beloved. They rediscover passions, joy in socializing, and a sense of optimism. While scars may remain, the intense grief and longing is over.

The Physical Effects of Heartbreak

Romantic rejection creates an assault on our bodies just as real as a viral infection. Researchers discovered that lovesickness impairs immune system functioning by raising inflammation levels throughout the body. Levels of tumor necrosis factor and interleukin-6 rise, while cells compromise the blood-brain barrier that usually protects delicate tissues.

People typically lose their appetite immediately after a breakup, sometimes leading to rapid weight loss. Up to 40% of grieving partners also develop insomnia, either having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep throughout the night without their lover.

Interestingly, copeptin levels rise during lovesickness—a hormone doctors use to evaluate stress levels and related cardiovascular disease risk. Some consequences can manifest over time if the immune system remains impaired long-term.

Can You Actually Die of a Broken Heart?

While dying of heartbreak is largely a metaphor, there are tragic real cases. One famous example in medical literature is of a 26-year-old man hospitalized with Takotsubo cardiomyopathy one day after his surprise breakup. He even displayed a rare cardiogenic shock syndrome that mimics a heart attack.

More commonly, broken heart syndrome develops in older people already at risk for heart disease. The factors aren’t entirely clear why some suffer cardiac arrest directly due to emotional upheaval when many people endure breakups without physical complications.

However, researchers found that women face double the risk of stress cardiomyopathy compared to men after romantic rejection. Substance abuse also plays a role, either as self-medication after splits or exacerbating existing bad habits.

Healing a Broken Heart

No instant cure exists for mending a broken heart. Grief evolves naturally according to the stages outlined above. However, certain lifestyle measures may help you regain emotional and physical equilibrium faster.

Letting yourself fully experience all the phases of grieving is essential. Suppressing emotions often backfires. Constructing a reliable support network is key as isolation tends to breed more severe depression.

While losing appetite immediately after heartbreak is normal, paying attention to nutrition and hydration aids the healing process long-term. Light exercise also elevates mood naturally, motivating you to take better care of yourself each day.

Does Romantic Love Actually Last?

Once released from the crushing pain of recent heartbreak, many lovelorn individuals wonder if real romantic connections can actually last lifelong. Despite the ups and downs any couple experiences, evidence abounds that enduring love is indeed possible.

One researcher examined a sample of over 150 older couples in long-term marriages. Spouses displayed equal passion, intimacy, and commitment as their counterparts who had been married less than 3 years. Famed relationship researcher Arthur Aron also discovered such lifelong bonds share 6 common virtues:

1. Safe haven: Partners provide mutual support and security.
2. Secure base: The relationship enhances both people's sense of self and outer success.
3. Proximity maintenance: Couples committed for life steadily renew efforts to stay physically and emotionally close.
4. Separation distress: When apart for practical reasons, couples long to reunite soon.
5. Safe haven reunion: After any conflict or separation, couples heal rifts and reconnect quickly.
6. Lasting relationship symbols: Couples develop rituals, nicknames, shared jokes that symbolize their enduring bond.

Such evidence illustrates that lifelong love is not a fantasy. Real people do continually nourish intimacy and romance across the decades. Heartbreaking splits hurt deeply due to our profound desire and capacity for meaningful connection.

Avoiding the Pitfalls

Brutal breakups often leave partners determined never to suffer so intensely again. Of course, cutting off any prospect of romance dooms people to acute loneliness in the long run. However, thoughtfully considering past mistakes can set the stage for a healthier dynamic next time.

Examples include letting attraction blind you to early red flags, ignoring subtle incompatibility on major values, or failing to nurture intimacy once courtship fades. Some even wrongly expect a new partner to instantly and permanently heal old emotional wounds.

Seeking perfect compatibility is unrealistic in any relationship. However, avoiding obvious mismatches and communicating clearly from the start gives hope for weathering inevitable storms across the years.

Why We Risk It All Again for Love

After recovering from gut-wrenching heartbreak, many victims fervently vow never to endure such agony again. Yet even the most brutally rejected people commonly try once more at love—why?

Human beings enjoy a sense of purpose and belonging. Our brains release pleasurable chemicals during sex, intimate conversation, and affectionate touch. While connections with friends or children certainly bring great joy, research confirms that the ecstasy of new romance simply has no equal.

These experiences provide a high our minds cannot resist despite past pains. Additionally, reproductive drives innate to all species powerfully motivate us to seek mates and pass on our genes.

Beyond primal needs, those once mutually in love share a poignant history. Losing hopes for a future together that once seemed assured causes deep bereavement. Letting go means abandoning treasured dreams that can in fact come true—just not with that particular person.

Rather than close out any possibility of real connection in the future, most will ultimately conclude the radiant bliss love brings is worth weathering another storm. By boldly risking their hearts again, many build even richer relationships than ever imagined.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.