What Is Gaslighting? How to Recognize the Signs and Recover from Emotional Abuse

What Is Gaslighting and Why Is It Harmful?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where the abuser attempts to sow seeds of doubt in the victim's mind, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. The term originated from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband tries to convince his wife that she is losing her mind by dimming the gaslights in their home and then denying it is happening.

When a victim is repeatedly gaslighted over an extended period of time, it can lead them to become confused, anxious, depressed, and dependent on the abuser. Gaslighting causes the victim to doubt themselves, their sanity and reality which gives the abuser power and control in the relationship.

Common Gaslighting Techniques

There are many tactics gaslighters use to manipulate their victims including:

• Withholding information and then fabricating an alternate reality.
• Denying conversations or events took place that the victim clearly remembers.
• Discrediting the victim by questioning their memory and perception.
• Trivializing the victim's thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
• Accusing the victim of being "too sensitive" or "crazy" when they call out the abuse.
• Projecting by accusing the victim of the abusive behaviors being perpetrated against them.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Gaslighting

How do you know if you are being gaslighted? Here are some common signs:

• You constantly second guess yourself and question your own judgment and sanity.
• You feel confused and disoriented, almost like you are living in an alternate reality.
• You apologize and make excuses for your abuser's behavior.
• You have a hard time making simple decisions.
• You feel hypervigilant and overly sensitive.
• You feel depressed, anxious, worthless, and hopeless.
• You start lying to avoid arguments and placate your abuser.
• You feel isolated and alone since your abuser has made you distrustful of others.

Why Do People Gaslight?

There are a variety of reasons why someone may utilize gaslighting tactics in relationships.

Narcissists

Narcissists gaslight to maintain a sense of power and control. By keeping their victims confused and off-balance, the narcissist establishes dominance in the relationship. They need continual validation of their inflated sense of self-importance and will deny reality to get it.

Sociopaths

Sociopaths are masters of manipulation and use gaslighting tactics such as lying, denying, and projecting, to get what they want. They lack empathy and have no qualms about damaging their victims mentally or emotionally.

Deflection

Gaslighters will often use gaslighting as a way to deflect blame or avoid accountability when they have done something inappropriate or harmful. The gaslighting serves as a distraction to make the victim question themselves rather than the gaslighter's behavior.

Defense Mechanism

Some gaslighters unconsciously rely on gaslighting as a maladaptive defense mechanism they learned in childhood. By distorting reality they are able to justify and validate their own unhealthy behaviors.

Types of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can occur in many different forms and to various degrees. Some examples include:

Outright Lying and Distortion

This is the most obvious and overt type of gaslighting where the abuser blatantly lies and tries to rewrite history. If confronted with evidence, they will adamantly deny and insist the victim is wrong.

Exaggeration

Abusers will take a small element of the truth and greatly embellish or exaggerate it to the point that it is essentially a lie. When the victim questions the veracity, they accuse them of being "unsupportive" or "overly critical."

Withholding

Important information and details are left out by the gaslighter that would give the victim proper context. When the victim questions inconsistencies, the abuser dismisses it as irrelevant or unimportant.

Misdirection

Gaslighters will deliberately give vague, ambiguous answers to questions and then accuse victims of misunderstanding. This creates unease and uncertainty in the victim.

Selective Memory

Abusers will conveniently and consistently "forget" information and details they want to keep hidden. If the victim tries to bring up the forgotten information, the abuser will deny ever knowing it.

Denial

Outright denying events, conversations, promises or experiences that the victim clearly remembers is a classic gaslighting technique utilized by abusers during arguments.

Examples of Gaslighting

To illustrate what gaslighting might look like, here are some hypothetical examples in the context of an abusive relationship:

Trivializing Feelings

The abuser disregards their partner's feelings by brushing them off as ridiculous or unimportant. Comments like "you're overreacting" or "you're just being sensitive" are dismissing the victim's emotions and perceptions.

Projection

The abuser will call their partner "paranoid," "insecure" or "crazy" when confronted about questionable behavior. This is projecting their own issues onto the victim.

Withholding Affection

The abuser will withdraw affection after an argument until the victim apologizes, rewarding them for accepting the false narrative. The message is the victim must acquiesce to preserve the relationship.

Re-Writing History

When confronted about a contradiction in their story, the abuser will insist their current version of events is correct rather than clarifying the discrepancy. They are rewriting history to suit their needs.

Lying by Omission

The abuser will deliberately keep important information from their partner, revealing it only when necessary to gain the upper hand. When asked why it was omitted, they will claim it "must have slipped their mind."

How to Respond to Gaslighting

If you suspect you are being gaslighted, here are some tips for responding:

• Trust your instincts, memory, and perception of events.
• Don't allow yourself to be interrogated, cornered, or intimidated.
• Acknowledge what you do know rather than what you don't know.
• Investigate inconsistencies privately.
• Objectively gather evidence to uncover the truth.
• Don't confront the gaslighter until you have undeniable proof.
• Create physical and emotional distance from the abuser.

Getting support and validation from others is also critical to overcoming gaslighting. Confide in trusted friends and family who can provide an alternate perspective from the warped reality created by the gaslighter. Counseling can help process the abuse, rebuild self-esteem, and establish healthy boundaries going forward.

How to Recover from Gaslighting

The effects of gaslighting are often profound, long-lasting, and difficult to overcome, especially when the abuse was perpetrated by a romantic partner. With dedication and support, healing is absolutely possible. Steps to recover include:

Educate Yourself

Learning more about gaslighting, its effects, and manipulative tactics is extremely empowering. It provides clarity and helps break the gaslighting spell.

Give Yourself Time

There is no set timeline for recovering from gaslighting. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and process the emotional abuse.

Seek Counseling

Working with a therapist trained in helping victims of abuse can facilitate healing. They provide coping techniques as you regain your sense of self and reality.

Establish Healthy Boundaries

Practice saying "no," expressing your needs, and sticking to your convictions. This empowers you to stand up for yourself going forward.

Build a Support System

Surround yourself with people who validate your perspective and experiences. Their insight is invaluable as you deprogram negative self-talk and distorted thinking.

Practice Self-Care

Focus on rest, relaxation, and restoring your sense of stability. Make time for activities that ground you and bring peace of mind.

With patience and perseverance, you can move forward after gaslighting with greater wisdom, strength, and self-love. The future is bright for survivors who utilize the appropriate tools to heal.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new treatment regimen.